Pocket Villagers Now Available

One important aspect of my job is determining the effect of our actions on the morale of the unsuspecting public.  Recently, we tried to use complex emotional and developmental algorithms, but that required the computing power of the human brain and it turns out that the human brain isn’t much more powerful than a thousand horny lemmings.  And if I wanted to train a thousand horny lemmings to sit in the corner of my office and bleep and bloop like an arcade game, I would have gotten married.

So, we decided that it would be best to kick it old school, or what have you.  That’s right, we managed to revitalize the “Angry Villager Feedback System.”

If you were lucky enough to remember the last time we instituted AVFS, you’ll fondly recall the astounding heights of terror it achieved before the program came crashing down around itself.  You see, the major problem with angry villagers is that one will cannibalize others to increase mental capacity and logical thinking skills.  This will enable that one to rise to a position of power and lead an (unsuccessful) uprising.  But we’ve made several improvements to the program.

While the previous uprisings were beaten back with minimal bloodshed of anyone except interns, they are particularly annoying.  Like that time I had to keep running some guy down with my car.  It wasn’t my fault, really.  If he had just resigned himself to death instead of constantly getting back up, I wouldn’t have had to back over him thirteen times.  Can you imagine how much that grated on my nerves?  Well, the uprisings are the same way.  So, when I thought about restarting the program, I knew I had to find a solution to this nonsense.  R&D offered up the use of their experimental shrink ray (they’re still trying to figure out why it will sometimes only shrinks the genitalia), which reduces the villagers to convenient pocket-size.  This cuts back on the chance of losing more of those useless interns.

And in a bit of serendipity, the new size makes them suitable for public sale.  That’s right!  For just $2,499.99, you can now own your very own set of pocket villagers.  It may seem like a high price at first, but once you realize the value, you’ll know it’s a steal.  Quite literally.  Illuminati Pocket Villagers were bred from authentic stock plucked from the annals of history.  Many are missing teeth, cannot read, and hump their sister’s leg without warning.  You just can’t mimick that kind of inbred behavior, and trust me when I say that we’ve tried.

But what can you use the Pocket Villagers for?  Management decisions, of course!  Thinking about cutting out health insurance for your employees?  Run it past the villagers to see how your employees will react!  Want to initiate a massive layoff?  Let the villagers in on your secret!  You’ll know you’ve made the right decision when they try to light your desk on fire!

Not in a management position at work?  You can employ the villagers to terrorize your co-workers.  Is your cube-partner annoying you by clicking his pen too much?  Use the villagers to secretly remove the clicker after working hours.  Your boss cut health insurance?  Use the villagers to light his desk on fire!  Remember to blame the janitor!

But what if you’re unemployed?  Never fear, we take food stamps, welfare checks, unemployment checks, fuel assistance, and SSI/SSDI.  And if you think that just because you don’t have a job that you don’t need the villagers, you’ve got to remember that you’re always wrong.  There are lots of things they can do for the gainfully unemployed!  Why, they can get you an ice cold beer from the fridge and it’s like watching Easter Island come to fruition, so you’ll be entertained while you wait.  Don’t like your neighbor’s dog?  Just tell your villagers that it’s a wicked beast sent from below to encourage rampant homosexuality.  They’ll take care of that problem lickety-split.  They’re also great for picking pockets on the subway…and now you have an alternative revenue stream.

So order your Illuminati Pocket Villagers today.  And if you act now, you’ll get a video of Vince Offer beating up a hooker.  I swear we had nothing to do with that, except for making him wear his PJs for the mugshot.  You know, if he had a ShamWow and a Slap Chop (with life-partner, Graty) with him that night, he wouldn’t have any need for a hooker.

Oddthingsyphilitis

Play along, my friends, or don your tin foil beanie and pretend that I can’t reach you.

Just when I finished the last round of antibiotics, I managed to pick this up from ElfNinosMom over at Adventures In Frickintardistan.  Honey, go to the free clinic to get this taken care of before you spread it further.

Directions: Share ODD Things about you! If you opened this, FILL IT OUT! Learn 20 something things about your friends, and let them learn 20-something things about you

1. Do you like blue cheese? Only with pink cheese since it turns purple.
   
2. Have you ever smoked? One time, when some intern went ape-shit and tried to light me on fire, I smoked a bit.
3. Do you own a gun?  You mean, like, with bullets?  Are you counting gerbils as bullets?
4. What flavor Kool Aid was your favorite?  Soylent green.
5. What do you think of hot dogs? I’m thinking that you don’t know what I really put in them.
6. Favorite Christmas movie? Gremlins.  Definitely Gremlins.
7. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?  Virgin blood.
8. Can you do push ups?  Look, just tell me how many you want me to do and I’ll find a suitable intern to threaten into doing them for me.
   
9. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry?  Shock collar.
10. Favorite hobby?  Pushing Buttons.
11. Do you have A. D. D?  When you’re in charge, it’s not ADD, it’s mental multi-tasking.
12. Do you wear glasses/contacts?  I wore a dish set once in 1985.  It didn’t end well.
13. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment: My coffee doesn’t have enough sugar in it.  Why does that intern have to scream so loudly?  If he doesn’t shut up soon, I’m going to throw another cup at him.
14. Name 3 drinks you regularly? Regularly what?   Drug?  That’s easy.  Booze, coffee, tap water.
    
15. Favorite place to be? Any place where I can look down on everyone.
16. Where would you like to go? Hell, and back.  But I’ve been banned for breaking the rules, so whatever.  Lucy, the Dark Lord, is a big, fat wuss.
    
17. What color shirt are you wearing? You assume I’m wearing one.
18. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?  Only if they don’t have Wrinkles on them.  Man, that dude is creepy.
    
19. Can you whistle?  Don’t be dirty.
20. Where are you now? My favorite place.
21. Would you be a pirate?  I already am.
22. What songs do you sing in the shower? “The Song That Never Ends,” which is most notably from “Lamb Chop’s Play-Along”
    
23. What is in your pocket right now? Angry villagers with pitchforks.
24. Last thing that made you laugh?  The look on the last intern’s face as I fed him to the Wolverpus.
25. Random odd thing.  Garden gnomes fart.  Go ahead and prove me wrong.  I guarantee you’ll be hauled off  to the nuthouse before you get that far.
    
26. How many TVs do you have in your house?  House?
    

Congratulations, Colbert

My office received word early yesterday that our very own Stephen Colbert won the contest to have the new glorified Brita/Ionic Breeze/Porta-Potty named after him.   He really needs to step up his game, though, since he only received 230,539 votes.  His following used to be much larger than that.  I’d suggest acquiring a number of Kanye West clones to worship him, but we’re still dramatically overstocked on Vince Offer clones.

Many of you are already aware that NASA can opt out of using Colbert for their space-age Porta-Potty.  We’re going to let them decide on this one.  It’s more interesting this way. But, at least if they choose the runner up, Serenity, then we have an excuse to make some poor, unsuspecting schmuck look like Nathan Fillion, hide him in a secret compartment and watch the life get sucked out him as they launch him into space.  Kind of like how I felt while watching Drive.

But not matter which way it goes, NASA will really have to give a flying crap.  And put it in orbit.

An Appreciation of the Colbert Affair

The Illuminati would like to take this opportunity to thank Stephen Colbert for being such a wonderful and loyal servant to the organization. Many years ago, Stephen contacted HQ and expressed a deep desire to belittle and control people. Naturally, this piqued our interest and we decided to see just how serious he was about all this.

First order of business was to send him down to the basement to feed the Wolverpus.  This really shows the true measure of a person.  Those authorized to bear witness to the indoctrination escorted a very young and excited Colbert to the door of the Wolverpus’ lair.  When he heard the deep, menacing growl from beyond the door, he began to protest against our initiation procedures.  Poor Stephen didn’t realize that we don’t have initiation procedures.  We make it up as we go along… and we get bored easily.  Stephen picked up on that last bit pretty quickly because we opened the door and shoved him through before he could even get the first sentence out of his mouth.

We eagerly pressed our ears to the door, hoping to  hear him crying in agony.  And we were not displeased as he whimpered and begged for a full five minutes before silence overtook the room.  Being the only person the Wolverpus won’t tear limb from limb, I entered the lair to check on our little buddy.  Oddly enough, I found them both in the corner playing pat-a-cake and enjoying a nice cold beer.  Colbert was in relatively good condition, with only a few minor gashes.

While neither the Wolverpus nor Stephen will tell us what transpired, we do know that the Wolverpus now refers to him as “Sparkles”, and that Stephen refers to the Wolverpus as “Spanky.” So, we were impressed that Sparkles managed to befriend Spanky, especially since Spanky doesn’t usually name his food.

Since it’s been centuries since anyone’s made it past the Wolverpus, we were a little hard-pressed to think of a second phase of the initiation.  We thought about pushing him down an elevator shaft and deducting points for each bone broken, but the Wolverpus almost threw a hissy-fit.

Sparkles Proudly Shows Off His Official Tattoo

So, at the Wolverpus’ behest, Sparkles was sworn in immediately and sent to the cafeteria to receive his official tattoo.

But anyway, he has been quite the loyal minion.  Through his show, he has managed to misinform, misdirect, and control the general public – and they are not only perfectly aware of this – they cheer him on!

At some point, Stephen, you will have to explain to your loyal followers that you’ve been unable to successfully grow a penis since that little accident with the pizza delivery boy last year, that you’re in love with Xenu, and that those golden eggs can be gotten from the vending machine in the lobby.  Stop sticking your arm in there.  That’s disgusting.

So congrats, Stephen.  Eventually, you may be able to earn a lifetime achievement award…but it’s highly unlikely since we only give those out to rotting corpses and we plan on keeping you around for an incredibly long time.

Vince Tries to Slap Chop It Up to Me

Those who pay any kind of attention while fast-forwarding through commercials have seen our evil little leprechaun hocking a new product.  Quite clearly, the Slap Chop is an attempt to gain favor with the Illuminati.  Now, we’ve decided not to make a decision about this based on my present mood, since doing so would most certainly see Vince get dragged behind an incontinent werewolf on a warm winter morning.  Instead, we’re going to put him on a point system and for shits and giggles, he gets to start today’s review at -666.  On with the crucifixion!

Hiding Illuminati Favors

As was pointed out in our investigation, Vince made a spectacle of his gigantic freaking hands.  Even we have to admit he’s done a better job of covering it up this time around.  Either he’s trying to make up for his blunder, or all that stuff we’ve been putting in Camera Guy’s coffee has been paying off.  At the very least its fun watching him trying to snap Vince on the ass with a wet shammy.  Did you know that Vince shrieks like a little girl?  Of course you don’t, because he doesn’t.  He shrieks like a hyena with its nuts in a vice.

+50  And I’m being charitable considering that Camera Guy did the real work here.

“You’re gonna love my nuts!”

While we’re on the topic of nuts, it’s important that we bring this up.  Vince proudly declares that we’re going to love his nuts.  Not quite, Vince.  I’ve seen your nuts, and I’m not entirely sure I even like them.  They had an attitude with me and called me names behind my back.  You can imagine how overjoyed I was when I discovered that you were going to chop your own nuts, and how utterly disappointed I was when they weren’t the nuts I was hoping for.

+600 for grossing out America by making them think of your jingle-jangles
-250 for allowing me to think that you were bold enough to dismember yourself four hundred times an hour for my entertainment
+99 for saying “You’re gonna love my nuts!” with a straight face
-150 for not following up with “Slap Chop whatever pops up!”

Less Clones

I lambasted Vincy last time for being careless with the clones we gave him, so we stopped giving him any clones.  Now Vince has to do all this marketing all by himself, meanwhile Billy Mays just placed an order for another 4000.   We’re thoroughly impressed that Vince is managing to still make a riveting commercial despite the lack of extra help.

+60 We’d be more impressed if he hadn’t used his clone privileges to go all completely frickin’ spastic with Sham Wow.

Clever Editing

Someone on Vince’s team has made great efforts to mask the ineffectiveness of the product.  Notice how you never see the whole device while it’s chopping anything.  You see the top part of the device when a hand hits it, or the bottom part when something is being chopped – but you never get to see the whole story.  Well, not exactly.  We do see the whole picture, when we’re supposedly chopping Vince’s nuts, but he manages to weasel in using the Slap Chop cover to prevent us from seeing what he’s chopping – if anything.

+75 For making it less obvious that the product isn’t as fabulous as you’d like everyone to believe
-246 For not actually chopping anyone’s nuts
-692 Because I used the Slap Chop before it was called the Slap Chop and it ruined my aim so badly that at least 32 interns narrowly escaped from flying cups of scalding hot coffee.  Bad, Vince, bad.

Slap Chop & Graty

Finding R2-D2

That’s right.  Vince found out where R2-D2 has been hiding.  Look to your right and say hello to what R2 would look like if he dressed up as a glorified waste receptacle for Halloween.  Long gone are the days where he would bail someone ass out of a bind, now he just grates cheese.   He’s also ditched  his tall, shiny, effeminate friend and has met an intriguing apparatus that strips down on command and spreads  like a butterfly.  And what guy doesn’t dream of meeting someone like that?

+62 Because we didn’t really care to find him.

Summary

Oh, cruel fate.  -666.  You’re back where you started Vince.  Try again.

Chief Justice Drives Home Win for Care Bears!

The Illuminati are well aware of the controversy surrounding Obama’s Oath of office and we thought we’d take a moment to give you an idea of what went wrong, and how we fixed it.

Still bitter about McCain’s loss this past November, and not satisfied with having Vince Offer kick Obama’s ass in pageviews on this blog, the Care Bear Rebel Faction did the only thing they could do to stop Obama from taking office: call Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Jr.

Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Jr., the Giggler

You heard me.  John G. Roberts, Jr., aka “The Giggler,” works for the Care Bears.  Don’t believe me?  Check out his official photo on the right.  He’s fighting a serious case of the giggles and not from a “you smelt it, you dealt it” situation, either…nooo…these giggles are the unsuppressible kind that you get when you’ve put on over on everyone.  Don’t bother asking him about it, either.  He’ll deny everything.

Now, Roberts’ dastardly plan was to mix up only one word in the oath so that it would seem so trivial that a do-over would seem superfluous.  Unfortunately, some constitutional nerds cried “Don’t live life on the edge!  Be on the safe side!” and a do-over was scheduled for the next day.  Roberts had to act fast if he was to make this invalid oath stick.  Knowing that a do-over oath is only valid if the incoming President placed his left hand on the exact same book as the first oath, he snuck into the master bedroom of the White House and swiped Obama’s bible from the nightstand while the couple slept.  Secret Service personnel on duty at the time claim to have heard an evil giggle coming from the bedroom that night, but wrote it off as Obama shifting back into a lizard before turning in.  They’re really not very good at their job.

And so, the next day, Obama was unable to produce his bible for the do-over oath and the Giggler walks away with a big fat “Mission Accomplished.”  Once the Illuminati witnessed the lack of bible at the do-over, we knew what the Care Bears had done.

Truth of the matter is that when the oath and/or do-overs are rendered worthless, the Illuminati will usually appoint some unknown or has-been to rule in secret while the President pretends to run the country and serves as a scapegoat.  But this was a new one on us.  Never before has one of our affiliates conspired to interfere with the oath and done it so well.

So, it is with great joy in our hearts to announce that Obama has to forfeit the Presidency.  To John McCain.  You can’t complain either since he came in second at the Presidential election.  From here on in, you’ll be seeing Obama make speeches and his little public appearances like you expect, but in the off hours, he’ll be tucked away in the cellar scribbling notes on bar napkins, and mumbling about the vicious bastards we know as Care Bears.

Congratulations on your covert win, guys!

Illuminati Christmas

Jens over at FreeDumb of Expression brought up some good points regarding Santa, so I decided that it’s time I reveal Christmas for what it is: an Illuminati plot to make a good part of your year completely unbearable.  Or at least to those who celebrate Christmas.  Don’t worry, we’re going after Hanukkah next.

You were probably already aware of this, since they start playing Christmas music before Halloween and you don’t finish paying off your Christmas purchases until Christmas five years later.  My idea by the way, and you’re welcome.  So, now that Christmas is over, I thought I’d let you in on some well-known Illuminati secrets regarding this plight.  It won’t truly matter since by next year you’ll be too busy buying gifts for your shiftless relatives.

One of the most iconic symbols of the holiday is Santa.  Did you realize that his name is an anagram for Satan?  Bet you did.  Most kids figure that out in the third grade.  Let’s talk about his appearance for a moment.  That rosy tinge on his cheeks ain’t makeup, that’s a Rosacea blush caused by consuming too much alcohol.  And the suit?  It’s a blend of the color of your checkbook after a successful Christmas and pimp-tastic fur lining.  Makes you wonder if that sack of toys is meant for delivery or keeping his hos elves in line.  You’ll never really know.  And his beard is intended to mask his appearance as well as any robber would.  Did you ever wonder why your Benz was down a tank of gas on Christmas day?  Why drive a sleigh when you can bald the tires on an expensive car.

In addition to that, the truth that Santa teaches goes well beyond anything your kids are taught in school.  What better than an omnipotent presence who supposedly watches you all the time to teach your kids that being “nice” and listening to your parents is only contingent on whether or not someone is looking over your shoulder.  Granted, you could say that telling your kids that someone is ALWAYS watching will keep them in-line…but since you don’t say that all year long, since they get gifts regardless of their behavior, and since they don’t care about something eight months away…your threats fall on deaf ears.  But go ahead and keep teaching them that they can do whatever they want when no one is looking and rest assured that when they know that Santa isn’t looking they’ll haul your aged ass off into a crap nursing home and let you rock it out to a Charlie Brown Christmas while eating your designated slice of week old SPAM.

But that’s not all.  Aren’t you always teaching your kids to stay away from strangers?  And what do you freaks do?  Plop your child’s but on the lap of a perfect stranger – one whose lips hasn’t left a bottle since 1945, probably hasn’t passed any kind of background check and you couldn’t identify in a court of law because his face is obscured by a cotton beard.  Good job guys.  Way to teach your kids that it’s okay to sit on a creepy stranger’s lap.  Not just any stranger either, but Santa’s army of Rugrat Molesting Mall Santas.

Oh, and the lies you tell – and we’re actually really proud of you for this – you actually go out of your way to undermine your child’s trust.  You  make them believe the unbelievable only hit their little dreams with a sledgehammer later.  Build them up…knock them down…you do realize that even the CIA isn’t cruel enough to do it in that order.  Are you creating fully-functioning adults or are you creating dysfunctional sociopaths?  You decide.  But we do so get a kick out of the lengths you’ll go to get them to believe.  Eight flying reindeer?  You do realize that the only way those tick infested overgrown rats off the ground is to feed them LSD.  Which is actually pretty funny to watch.  But no, they don’t really fly.  But they certainly think they do.  And when your little ankle-biters dare to inquire as to how Santa makes it around the world in one night…that bit about the super-sonic Santa gets my goat every time.  How much further are you going to fray before you realize that you’ve lost your freaking mind?

A lot further as it turns out, since once your kids find out the truth and go through the mourning process for a guy who couldn’t possibly exist you FORCE THEM to keep it a secret from friends who don’t know and younger siblings.  And when they tell?  They get punished!  Freaking awesome.  Makes me want to make you honorary members of my organization.  But that won’t happen, you’ll have to do far better than that to get a foot in my door.

But Christmas doesn’t end with the jolly ole pedophile.  No…there’s the retail end.  Every year we sink ad money into the system so you’ll go further under in your checkbook.  And so far it’s working.  Don’t worry about this little recession thing, you’ll keep spending what you don’t have regardless.  And what better to truly kick off the holiday spending season than a day that shares its name with hangings, massacres, natural disasters, and financial crises?  BLACK FRIDAY.  Oh, yes we did.  You people line up outside the stores before the break of day, sometimes sleeping there overnight, to catch 20% off lighted pen trinkets for stocking stuffers.  Yes, that’s a whole $0.30 off the every day low price.  And you push and shove gimpy old ladies with social security checks in hand to get your little trinkets.  You are truly a piece of work.

But it’s all in the name of Good Will and Peace on Earth.  At least until the stores open.

May Santa Bless You One and All.

You Demented Freaks

I love you.  I really do.  I’m not screwing with you, either.

After WordPress upgraded to 2.7, something which I never cared to notice became hilariously apparent.  When it comes to the two most popular posts on this blog, between our Obama announcement and our expose on Vince Offer – Obama nabbed 61% of the pageviews while Vince is at 39% and climbing quickly.

It brings tears of happiness that renegade leprechaun and infomercial pitchman, Vince,  has a shot in hell of beating out the most famous shape-shifting lizard in the United States, Obama.  And you… YES YOU made this all happen.  The Care Bear rebel faction has specifically asked that you put in extra effort to make sure that Vince beats Obama’s ass in pageviews.  Pointless Vengeance will be theirs!

So be sure to let all your insignificant little friends know that Vince is the bomb and point them to the blog entry so we can appease the rebel faction.  If we don’t they will not enter another candidate into the race and we’ll miss out on a  more entertaining car crash in 2012.

President Elect Barack Obama

ShamWow's Vince Offer

Kreativ Blogger Award

For some reason, this blog was tagged for the Kreativ Blogger Award by ElfNinosMom of Adventures in Frickintardistan, one of our co-conspirators.  Normally, I would ignore such a thing, but I saw what she did to that Turkish elm using only a pair of pliers and a gummy bear..and well, that was nothing short of amazing. We tried to put the video up on YouTube for the drooling masses to stare at, but it crashed the server.  Your loss, my gain.

So anyway, as a condition of receiving the award, I now have to list six things I like:

1. Chasing interns down the hall weilding the Ice Cream Scoop of Terror
2. Giving hungry fluffy carnivorous bunnies to unsuspecting animal loving vegans and watching their face as Bugs and friends go for the jugular.
3. Flying cups of hot coffee.  It’s beauty in motion.
4. Playing chess with the Wolverpus
5. Playing God with your lives
6. Chocolate

And now, to spread the plague to six other bloggers:

1. Jeremy’s Weblog – Occasionally, I like to pretend to be normal.  And on those occassions, I read his blog.
2. Famewhore!, She Wrote – Celebrities amuse me.
3. FreeDumb of Expression – But I disagree, just because you can does mean that you should.  It’s more entertaining that way.

Yes, that’s only three.  The Illuminati cannot be bothered to read more than three blogs a day.  I’ve got more important things to do.

Now, where did I put those bunnies?

ShamWow – Shammy Suckage

The Illuminati have completed an investigation into ShamWow and Vince Offer.  “Investigation” might be a stretching it a little bit.  “Little bit” as in “beyond the limits of reality.”  We pronounced them guilty before Vince was a tickle in his daddy’s pants.  For those who are still sober enough to read, ShamWow and Vince Offer are guilty of the following crimes, bad behavior, and general stupidity:

Unauthorized Use of Rubbing Alcohol

While demonstrating the amazing “absorption” of Vince’s Binkie, Vince dumps the contents of a shammy onto the surface in front of him.  Now, after I locked twenty-three interns in a 8×8 room with nothing but a box of Wheat Thins and this segment of the commercial for a month and a half, sixteen interns decided that Sharon’s ass looks big in those jeans.  The other seven were unavailable for comment, so I logged their answer as a soft agreement.  Witness the following screen captures.  Notice the rate of dissipation at the top of the puddle (not to mention the rest of it) before the shammy even touches it (click to enlarge):

And before you can notice that the liquid is disappearing on its own, he mops it up with his magical shammies:

Now, using this video evidence, the Illuminati finds ShamWow and Vince Offer guilty of violating section 45626.666.7383 (Unauthorized use of Rubbing Alcohol for Boring Purposes) as well as the greater offense of unsuccessfully lying to the public.  We don’t have a code section for that.  It’s engraved on your soul with a Sharpie.

Exposing Illuminati Favors

Several years ago, Vince approached my organization with a simple request.  He wanted us to increase his odds with the ladies.  So, my people gave him hideously large hands.  What did you expect?  The Wolverpus already drank all the mojo prototypes. Now, the ShamWow people at least attempted to cover up the problem but clearly missed this one obvious scene.  Vince knows better than to let the camera that close to his dirty little secret and therefore we find him guilty of embarrassing my organization.  If he really wanted to expose himself, he should have gotten drunk and flashed some school girls from a public fountain like a normal person. Noooo…he’s gone and done it by hocking product nearly every commercial break.  As a matter of fact, Vince exposed himself to me at least four times while writing this post.  I feel so dirty.

Carpet Saturation Rules Violations

If you’re going to saturate a carpet with liquid you must always remember the four sacred rules: 1) make it donkey urine 2) make sure it stays that way 3) don’t clean up any of it 4) don’t let anyone know you did it.  I know that Vince took the class, but after reviewing the security footage, it looks like he put his head in his giant freaking hands and slept through the whole thing.  We’re revoking his certification.  And we’re going to do it by having Billy Mays come to his house and show him how it’s done. And then he’s going to pretend to clean it up with OxyClean, sell Vince health insurance, and move in like a cockroach in slumlord central.  To anyone who comes into contact with Billy: never, ever, leave him alone with your vacuum cleaner.  He picked up some tips from Dyson that are illegal in most countries.  Your vacuum will never be the same again.  It may even require counseling.

Poor Editing

On top of the carpet saturation mess, those ShamWow people couldn’t even properly edit the carpet cleanup scam.  Check out the following images:

Before Lifting Carpet

After Putting the Carpet Back Down

One would think that with Vince’s mad three card Monty skills that he would have slammed that shammy down so fast over the edge of the carpet that you would never have noticed.  But, no, he hovers the shammy over the spill almost as if he’s taunting you.  Random idiots are seeing this inconsistency.  This is an embarrassment to quality Illuminati infomercials worldwide.  How do you expect us to con stupid people into buying completely useless shit if you sloppily expose our secrets?  Now everyone’s going to be suspect that the energy drinks, “Head-On”, and other atrocities take advantage of clever editing.  I cannot possible express the extent to which I am disappointed in the editor monkeys.  I mean, if you lock enough of them in a room, they’ll hammer out the script to a reality tv show but they can’t possibly manage to hide one little blood…I mean soda spill.

Clone Carelessness

When Vince entered the commercial racket, we gave him several clones by which to make it easeir for him to star in more commercials and appear personally – at the same time.  It’s Illuminati policy to facilitate the saturate the market with products by providing courtesy clones.  You should know that by now after that fiasco with the “Help, I’ve fallen but I can’t get up” lady.  There were like thirty-two of them and they all applied for Medicaid at the same time.  Gave their case worker a heart attack.

Evil Vince Clone in Action

With our help, it is possible for Vince to actually be in two or more places at the same time.  Too bad he’s not being more careful.  You can actually make out one of his clones quite clearly in the background of a customer testimonial.  Notice how the clone is wearing a black t-shirt and sunglasses.  Then suddenly, Vince is back in the studio in a blue t-shirt and NO SUNGLASSES.  There is absolutely no possible way that he could been pulling his shtick in the studio wearing one outfit, changed into “Evil Vince” and zoomed outside and gotten halfway through his speech for the customer testimonial, changed his clothes back to “Studio Vince”, and back in the studio without even being out of breath….twenty-five times an hour!  The only way to explain this is Illuminati Trickery in the shape of Vince clones.  Now, due to the fact that Billy Mays hasn’t off’d nearly enough clones in a jealous rage (usually involves Oxytov cocktails) and that Vince himself is making it obvious that he’s using the clones, we’ve decided to sell off the remaining six hundred Vince Offer clones at an extremely discounted price.  He’s great around the home, garage, car, even on the boat.  He mops up spills in no time flat.  You can even cut him in half and put him in the washer.  Use him on the dog!  I mean, you’re going to spend at least $50 a month on hookers and maids anyway, so use Vince Clone v2.1 instead.  We’ll even throw in four mini-Vinces for free if you order right now…after all, we can’t do this all day.  You followin’ me camera-guy?

A Word of Warning

I could go on and on about the additional offenses witnessed, but I will throw my ambitions in the dumpster and let someone else deal with it so I can issue the following advice.

Vince, the Leprechaun High Council is extremely upset that you stole your brother’s pot of gold and wished to be a mortal man.  They are even more upset that you chose to put your faith behind a product made in Germany (notorious leprechaun oppressors) instead of your native product, Lucky Charms.  They no longer find you “Magically Delicious.”  Or, actually, they may once they catch you and apply the right seasoning.

ShamWow, I suggest you protect Vince as best you can.  Leprechauns are pretty jovial beings until you piss them off bad.  And Vince has done just that.  I assume that he hasn’t enlightened you to this fact for the same reason that he did not inform you of his past.  Leprechauns are also quite tricky and can fit into tight places, so you might just want to seal Vince in a 10×10 clock of cement and pray for the best.

Good luck.