Holiday Home Security

December 8, 2010

The economy is shaping up quite nicely.  Pretty much everyone in the middle-to-bottom range is still suffering and we’ve got economists telling you it’s getting better.  It’s not, duh.  We lie.  A lot. It’s one of our things.  Sure, not everyone believes us 100% of the time, but we convince enough people to make it worth it.  Which leads me to my point.

Someone out there thinks you’re doing better than them.  Granted, this is true most of the time but this year is different.  You have loads of gullible and desperate people who believe that things really are getting better for someone, and that someone is anyone but them.  While they sit at the milk carton that substitutes for their dining room table and try to read their foreclosure notice by the fading light of a cell phone with no service, their mind drifts to that big flat screen TV that took four guys to bring into your house.

If you haven’t gotten my point by now: Someone out there wants everything you own.  What are you going to do about it?  Install one of those electronic monitoring systems that lets some minimum wage employee determine whether or not the guy in your house with your X-Box under his arm is worth calling the cops over?  Yeah, let me know how that works out.  What you need is an Illuminati Security System.  Don’t worry, it’s very affordable.

First up, dig a moat. It has to be twenty to a hundred feet wide, fifty feet deep and encompass the perimeter of your property.  If you live in a suburban or rural area, it’s best if you extend beyond your property for this.  If people notice, that’s their tough luck for not doing it first.  Don’t be an idiot and dig the moat yourself  – hire illegal immigrants.  They’re great workers and they work for free – but the trick is to hire a group big enough to get all the work done in one day and then time immigration’s arrival for when they’re finished.  They’ll scatter like cockroaches before they can even ask for their money. The worst you’ll have to do is pick up all the tools they dropped during their departure.  But you can pay a neighborhood kid like five bucks to do that for you.

At this point, you’ll have a sad, empty moat.  That’s when you call our 976 number.  Tell Fred that you like to be spanked by day-old biscuits.  You’ll need to tell him how many biscuits and how many days old.  The quantity of biscuits is directly relational to the width of your moat and the days are relational to the circumference, so if you’ve got a twenty foot wide moat that’s three-hundred fifty feet all the way around, tell him you’d like 20, 350 day old biscuits.  It’s a code, numbnuts.  Gotta keep it all on the down-low or else you’ll just be the schmuck who started the moat trend in the neighborhood.  Don’t be that guy.

Your moat filling should arrive by the end of the week and will come in two packages.  Open the package labeled “Step 1” and say “Hi” to your first line of defense.  They may greet you in return.  Hamsters are friendly that way.  After you do that, empty the package into the moat.  Be sure to spread out the hamsters in an even layer inside the moat.  They will not even themselves out.  Once you are finished, the hamsters will automatically build a barrier within your moat, line the inner section, and eventually settle in the outer section.

Now fill up the empty section of the moat with water.  Your garden hose will do nicely, but I recommend that you just steal a fire truck and empty the neighborhood pools before they get home from work.  It’ll go faster.  Once that’s done, you should open the package labeled “Step 2.”  You will notice that the contents look an awful lot like pills.  Capsules to be exact.  These are not to be taken internally, but should you choose to do so I’d like to request that you upload the video to YouTube.  Sprinkle the entire contents of the bag into the watery section of your moat.  At this point, you can either set up a lawnchair and watch the capsules slowly expand over the next twenty-four hours or you can move on with your life since the hard part of setting up your moat is done.  I don’t recommend you leave the property though, since your newfound security system will make sure you don’t return.

Anyway, by the same time the next day, your Magic Grow Dragon Capsules will be fully expanded into actual Dragons.  You’ll want to introduce yourself to them.  They will naturally attune themselves to your voice, your appearance, and your scent.  That’s why the introduction is important.

Now your Illuminati Security System is fully set-up.  From here on out, anyone who isn’t you that dares approach your property will be burnt to a crisp and then disposed of by your army of hamsters.  Also, since your hamster army is quite large they can be used to harass your neighbors, run errands, and procure stuff you desire from nearby homes.  Your neighbors will also envy your moat and will pay anything to find out how you got yours (especially after the recent rash of break-ins).  At best, they’ll only manage a cheap imitation. A pack of pitpulls are nothing in comparison to a hamster army and a mess of dragons.

Happy Holidays!


The Art of Conspiracy

July 6, 2010

People try to blame my organization for things all the time. I get daily summaries of these on my desk every morning. I usually read these shortly after permanently disfiguring an intern with a flying cup of boiling hot coffee and fixing myself a cup of tea. Yes, I drink tea. The coffee is just for fun.

Anyway… I can understand why they target my organization. We’re the largest conspiracy in the world, doncha know. And these days, with the crap economy, the lizard president, and Justin Bieber getting a BET nomination you people are looking for reasons for the madness. First of all, you need to realize that we’re not here to make you feel better, we’re here to make you miserable and occasionally scare the crap out of you.

Now, these dailies are pretty entertaining. I mean, we’ve been blamed for everything from teen pregnancies to the disappearance of tan M&Ms. I may have had something to do with that last one.  They tasted so damned good that I wanted to have them all to myself.  Mmmmm….tan….

Ahem.  My dailies are not all encompassing as my incompetent staff tends to forget to cover the celebrity morons.  I mean, can you imagine how embarrassing it was to find out from TMZ that Wesley Snipes claims he was abducted by aliens and implanted with a chip?  Granted, he didn’t directly implicate my organization, but he certainly implied it with all the slurred words therefore it should have been in my dailies. Also, one would think that Harvey Levin would have shot me a personal email to let me know, but NO. Dude, you are a Jewish lawyer.  You need to keep up appearances.  Next time something juicy like that comes up, don’t forget that you have lackeys and a professional and religious obligation to send me it.  Next time it happens, I’m taking the funny little quippy guy in the back and turning him into a pocket person.  Then, I’m going to take him out only during your segments on People’s Court so he can comment on you.  And only you.  And I will enjoy it immensely.  And then maybe I’ll take him out for ice cream at a place that serves tiny little ice cream cones.

Back to my point.  That wasn’t the only embarrassing thing. Recently, one of my freelance operatives posted on this blog that Tila Tequila was getting her crazy on and trying to take down my organization using an advertising heavy, annoyingly cluttered blog of all things.  A BLOG.  She’s going to have to try harder than that.

So anyway, Tila’s been posting things that she thinks are secrets and such about various conspiracies (or just one, it’s hard to tell where she’s going with this one).  For instance, in this post she says:

I just wanted to bring light to something that I have known for a VERY long time. Maybe some of you remember me going on about an hour tweeting about these “secrets” that I know of, a long time ago on my old Twitter account. A lot of people knew what I was talking about and was in awe or shocked that I knew so much about it. Other’s who don’t know much about it just thought I was talking “crazy” and “nonsense.” However I feel as though it is my duty to start bringing to light the truth behind what is going on in our world today. So unless you have an open mind, then I digress for you to not continue reading my post. However if you indeed DO have an open mind, or know of these “HINTS” I am dropping to you, then please continue reading. Just letting you guys know, that I will start posting more and more about this, in bits and pieces, as I don’t want to come out and straight up say the whole thing. But if you follow my posts about this, you shall understand my subliminal message that I want to send you, so you can understand what is happening to you and what “THEY” are doing to you.

The best conspiracies are semi-literate and completely self-centered.  I mean, it’s not a conspiracy unless you’re at the center of it.  That much she did right.  The problem is that she starts talking in circles.  This makes stupid people dizzy.  You don’t want to lose the stupid people. They’re the bulk of your believers.

The old Twitter account mention is good.  You want to reference things that disappear suddenly, even if they disappeared for unrelated reasons.  Like that Scott Baio sitcom about two Air Force pilots which was to be aired on Fox, but never was.  It merely disappeared.  You can’t use that one.  I already did.

Moving on, imploring those with an open mind to continue reading is something you should never do. It makes people think that you’re crazy.  Which you are, but that’s beside the point.  We’re trying to build a good Tila conspiracy here.  Crazy shouldn’t factor into it.

And finally, Tila sweetheart, hints should never be all capitalized.  If they are, they’re not hints – more like contradictions.

Speaking of contradictions, from that same blog post:

Ok first of all, do you guys notice how lately, music video’s have a VERY DARK AND SATANIC vibe to them??

Which she then blames on Lady GaGa.  Whether or not GaGa is one of us is irrelevant.  Maybe she’s just a shiny object for you to look at while we do sinister things.  Or maybe she’s just found a way to make her crazy commercial.

Also, anyone who actually visits that site will notice something odd:

Miss Tila's Welcome to the Darkside

No, it’s not that she’s attempting to sing.  It’s that you shouldn’t complain that videos are very dark and satanic and then put out an album called “Welcome to the Darkside.” You can claim all you want that it has to do with the moon, but we all know that it’s a horror or Star Wars reference.  Don’t deny it.

Later in the rambling mess:

Anyway, the reason behind them doing this with the urgency of the music video’s is because they NEED to turn your brain to mush, so that you just become a vegetable, a robot, a zombie, under their command and not realize it. Have you guys seen the the movie “EYES WIDE SHUT?” well it is VERY SIMILAR TO THAT as well as the movie “DEVIL’s ADVOCATE”

Remember that when you reference movies in your conspiracy to reference ones that actually relate to your point.  Some people may have seen those and if you come across like a know-nothing idiot then no one will believe your conspiracy.

And lastly:

I gotta go now, don’t wanna cause too much commotion about this before they come and do me wrong again. I will tell you one day how they did me wrong because I knew stuff about them. MAJOR stuff about them and once they found out that I knew, the did some fucked up shit. They own the majority of the media. They can do and say whatever they want, Anyway, enough for now….

As for my fans/haters, who don’t understand what I’m talking about, please disregard this post. But for the people who DO KNOW what I’m speaking of, I will continue to write more blogs like this one but each blog I will leave more and more subliminal messages so that you know more of what I know……

This was good.  Always close with urgency, fear for your own safety, and imply that something bad has happened before.  The only quibble I have is her use of “subliminal.”  We ran her site through a subliminal filter to see what the real message was and there was nothing to be found.  Poor little Tila doesn’t know how to use her words.

Now, I must admit that when I started this post, I meant to simultaneously agree and disagree with the “secrets” on which Tila thinks she’s reporting. But the thing is after reading, it became painfully obvious that she’s not saying anything substantial. So, I thought it would make a better example of building  your own conspiracy theory, without delving too much into the intricacies. You should give it a go at the office.  Make up some crazy nonsense (like how the Post-Its are multiplying in the storage cabinet) and see if you can get your co-workers to buy into it.

And for those of you looking for an official word on the nonsense Tila’s spewing.  We don’t really care.  Seriously.  And if she happens to hit on a conspiracy that matter, well, it won’t matter.  She’s sufficiently discredited herself.

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White Asparagus Price to Rise

April 6, 2010

White Asparagus

A report came across my desk this morning that concerned me.  Mostly because of the spelling errors and lack of coherent thought, but also partly because it seems to be indicating that we will soon run out of white asparagus unless we drastically change our procurement techniques.

Now, you must be wondering it’s possible that we can actually run out.  And I can see why you would be.  All this time, you’ve been told that white asparagus is pretty much grown the same way as the other kind with the exception that the white kind is deprived of light for the express purpose of preventing the green hue.  I’m kind of hoping you’ve figured out that you’ve been lied to.

Given the circumstances, I think it’s time you know what some people have figured out on their own: asparagus is made from alien winkies.  Or, more accurately, it is alien winky.  I’ll give you a moment to think about how much of it you’ve ingested.

Moment’s up.  How could you not at least suspect as much?  Did you think nothing of the strong flavor, phallic shape, and the fact that it makes your pee stink?  Perhaps you did and dismissed it, but it is more likely that you didn’t.  Or maybe you were fooled by the fact that you can grow mock asparagus in your garden.  I’m not being cruel, I’ve just being honest given the amount of stupid shit I’ve seen you do on a daily basis.

So anyway, both the white and green asparagus come from the same species of alien.  These aliens are born with seven to nine easily excitable appendages, of which they use only two or three.  The rest just kind of get in the way by causing increased aggression and tripping them when they walk.  We have an arrangement with them to alleviate them of their burdens and sell those burdens to you for consumption.

The problem lies in the supply of albino aliens.  Much like here on Earth, albinos are a rare occurrence and at the rate they’re being born we are unable to keep up with the demand.  It’s not my fault they are more tender and have a milder flavor.  It’s the alien’s fault.  Blame them for the rising price.

At this stage, we have several options to explore to stop this from happening, but there’s a twist.  I already know which one we’re going with, but I thought I’d give you the illusion of input by giving you a list of ideas that were presented to me in the report and let you choose:

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Killer Hamsters “Escape”

March 15, 2010

I’m sure you’ve been wondering where I’ve been.  Maybe even waiting with bated breath hoping I would come back and enthrall and berate you some more.  Well you sick bastards, here I am. Anyway, I’ve been busy touring our many research operations throughout the world.  I’m happy to report that things are coming along nicely in most areas, but there was one location near the Canadian border which worries me a bit.

Many years ago, I authorized this particular facility to manufacture a new breed of assassin with the understanding that they would make me pleasantly surprised by the results.  In response, they spent billions of dollars coming up with what looked to be a…..hamster.

At first, I was exceptionally angry.  I mean, what the hell am I paying these people for?  I already have talking hamsters that are more than willing to kill people for me.  And they make me more?!  It was only after I impaled an unfortunate office worker with a plastic letter opener that they explained how special their hamsters were.

You see, they knew that I would not be satisfied with such a meager offering, so they made enhancements they knew I would like to ensure that their chances of survival would be higher.   I’m going to make this into a bullet list, since I know that you all have the attention span of a horny puppy on crack.  Try to keep up:

  • I like angry little furry things.  It’s true.  So, they made these hamsters extra mean.  From the lab videos they showed me, these little things turn green and rip the heads off baby chickens with their tails.  For fun.
  • I like people with ambition. And boy these things have it in spades.   You know how welfare moms will eat their own children if the death benefits will be even one dollar higher than that child’s portion of the welfare check?  Yeah, these guys will do it if the difference is only a cent more.  Maybe even a fraction of a cent.  Further testing will need to be done.
  • Battle cries are awesome.  You can’t deny it.  And as much as I like a silent assassin, I prefer it if victims know it’s coming.  The look in their eyes is more satisfying.
  • I’m always thinking of storage space.  I’m female, I can’t help it. So, naturally, I would want any assassin to be able to hide his tools on (or in) his person.  These folks managed to make the hamster pouches 30% more efficient.  Which, oddly enough, is just about enough room to fit a hamster-size sniper rifle, with accessories.

You may recall when I mentioned earlier about this project worrying me.  Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love the semi-final results.  Problem is, the clever little bastards escaped.  Or, self-released, if you will.  That’s right, they’re loose and they have no standing orders.  Now you see why I was worried.

But, the process of simplifying the situation and translating it into small words so that you may understand it has helped me come to the realization that I’m not actually worried.  The facility is located near the Canadian border and those furry sociopaths headed north.

They’re Canada’s problem now.   Do you think I should warn our satellite offices up there or let it be a surprise?

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You Bore Me

September 29, 2009

Trampling all over your sense of reality, breaking into your homes and playing tic-tac-toe with your sanity, and just making you wake up screaming in the middle of the night is getting far too easy, and quite frankly,  I’m so very bored.  My psychiatrist was telling me that I might need make the whole thing more challenging.  And then I pushed him down a flight of stairs.  I never trusted the sanctity of the doctor-patient privilege.  Death is a more permanent way of keeping secrets.  Needless to say, I saw the doctor again on my way out of the building and he didn’t seem to be feeling too well.

I know that you frequently look in your fridge and find things missing.  Now, I’m sure that you pass it off as a brain fart or the midnight munchies by another member of your household.  Well, I can assure you that it is neither of those things.  It was the Fridge Gremlin.  That little bastard has been robbing everyone blind ever since humans found a way to store food safely. And we totally let him.  Hell, he’s under contract for it. If you’ve found that he is frequently hitting your household, you should know that you can make your own fridge guard.

To do so, take a nice gallon of milk, drink it until it’s about halfway done, and leave it in the fridge until it’s about to expire.  Then, add in some swine flu, a socket wrench, and some pork fried rice (without MSG) from six months ago, shake it up really well and leave it in a sunny spot to stew. You’ll notice that the container starts to change shape.  Sometimes it’ll bow out and other times it’ll look like it’s going to implode – it really all depends on which strain of flu you added.  Whatever you do, do not release the pressure by opening the cap.  Not only will the fumes pull the nose-ring out of your lip (oooh, you’re such a rebel), it will also knock up your grandfather.  Once the limits of the container have been reached, put the concoction back in the fridge and you won’t be bothered by the Gremlin again.  Of course, there is a very good possibility that the fumes will manage to find their way through the walls of the container and contaminate the rest of the food.  Sure, your butter may eventually kill you, but your produce will be safe.

Take a long look at the floor of your closet.  Seeing more coat hangers than you ever remember purchasing?  Um, yeah, about that…  we may have accidentally dropped a few into the bunny mating frenzy pen and may have arranged for a few tainted coat hangers to ship with every package.  While I admit that it was pretty funny watching your futile efforts to unload all the extra hangers at Goodwill or the dump, it really did get monotonous to watch you freak out every single time you gathered them up to make the journey.  You’re killing me.  Just neuter them already.  Just take a hacksaw or something to that hook-like thing at the top of each of your hangers.  They’ll never multiply again.

Well, that’s all you’re getting for tonight.  I’m hoping that’ll be enough to clear out your schedules for some new things I’ve cooked up.  If it’s not, you’ll be hearing about it.

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Illuminacare: The Illuminati Health Care Option

September 18, 2009

I have to admit that it’s been very entertaining watching everyone scream at each other over this whole health care debacle. No, really. I didn’t know you had it in you to get so worked up over nothing. Don’t you realize that no matter what you want or what you think is going to happen, you’re wrong? Of course you don’t, you’ve got the learning curve of a Snickers bar – and that’s being generous. And since I’m having so much fun watching you freaks sink to new lows, I’ve decided to let you in on what’s really going to happen and watch you go off into a larger tizzy.  Oh, by the way, there needs to be more finger biting.  That’s always good.

There Will Be Death Panels

Don’t let anyone tell you that there won’t be or that this is a lie generated by one faction of the enraged masses.  I’m telling you that there will absolutely, unequivocably be death panels. The Illuminati have already instituted these as part of our company-sponsored health care plan, and I can tell you that heading the death panel is the highlight of my Monday morning. Why, just last week, I told Frank that there was no need to attempt to kill the Neptunian parasite in his stomach since the forehead I installed on his backside was going to kill him out of spite first. And every third Monday of the month, we pick two people’s names out a hat and make them fight for their lives in the Girdle of Doom. Of course, no one comes out alive. Its a two-fer. We’re very efficient here, so don’t forget that.

No Insurance Premiums, Co-Pays Non-Existent

Modeled after our own internal insurance plan, all insurance will actually be free and you’ll never pay anything to see a doctor. Now, while this all sounds very expensive, I can assure you that it also won’t cost my organization a penny. This is because we’ve found ways to pick your pockets clean with all sorts of other trumped up money-suckers including “inflation” and “food.” And we’re doing such a good job of it that we have an enormous surplus in the “free money” fund. Lest you think that we’re being nice by letting you use what is essentially “your” money, you need to keep in mind that we’re not nice.  Shame on you!

Something About an Egyptian River

Under the current system, insurance companies deny recommended procedures with no apparent rhyme or reason.  Not us.  We firmly feel that you should know why your claim was denied.  But don’t think that we’d waste our time writing you a letter or phoning you up to tell you that reason.  Oh, no.  We like to have a bit of flare, so you’ll find out moments after your doctor does…right before the procedure.  You may even be sedated at the time.  It’s really not my problem.

So, here it is:  your claim will be processed using the “Eeny Meeny Miny Mo” method.  This will help keep our costs low because we’re not spending minutes reading your claims and are instead spending mere seconds denying them. I love my job.

Cool New Procedures

R&D had a great idea.  You see, we’re always looking for unsuspecting victims willing participants to our medical experiments and with better access to you guys, we’ll have them.  Now when you go in for a new kidney, you might come out with a brand new elbow-nose.  Don’t say we never give you anything.  Just, um, don’t sneeze. By combining legitimate procedures with sadistic ones, we can save loads of money in the fund and use it to “treat” more people.

Resign to Your Fate

You really don’t have a choice in the matter, so it’s best if you just accept this.  So I’m going to tell you not to accept it.  I want to see more marches on Washington, more unhinged rants, and more yelling, and more ignoring.  Now get to it.  I’ve got popcorn popping so you don’t have much time.

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Pocket Villagers Now Available

April 8, 2009

One important aspect of my job is determining the effect of our actions on the morale of the unsuspecting public.  Recently, we tried to use complex emotional and developmental algorithms, but that required the computing power of the human brain and it turns out that the human brain isn’t much more powerful than a thousand horny lemmings.  And if I wanted to train a thousand horny lemmings to sit in the corner of my office and bleep and bloop like an arcade game, I would have gotten married.

So, we decided that it would be best to kick it old school, or what have you.  That’s right, we managed to revitalize the “Angry Villager Feedback System.”

If you were lucky enough to remember the last time we instituted AVFS, you’ll fondly recall the astounding heights of terror it achieved before the program came crashing down around itself.  You see, the major problem with angry villagers is that one will cannibalize others to increase mental capacity and logical thinking skills.  This will enable that one to rise to a position of power and lead an (unsuccessful) uprising.  But we’ve made several improvements to the program.

While the previous uprisings were beaten back with minimal bloodshed of anyone except interns, they are particularly annoying.  Like that time I had to keep running some guy down with my car.  It wasn’t my fault, really.  If he had just resigned himself to death instead of constantly getting back up, I wouldn’t have had to back over him thirteen times.  Can you imagine how much that grated on my nerves?  Well, the uprisings are the same way.  So, when I thought about restarting the program, I knew I had to find a solution to this nonsense.  R&D offered up the use of their experimental shrink ray (they’re still trying to figure out why it will sometimes only shrinks the genitalia), which reduces the villagers to convenient pocket-size.  This cuts back on the chance of losing more of those useless interns.

And in a bit of serendipity, the new size makes them suitable for public sale.  That’s right!  For just $2,499.99, you can now own your very own set of pocket villagers.  It may seem like a high price at first, but once you realize the value, you’ll know it’s a steal.  Quite literally.  Illuminati Pocket Villagers were bred from authentic stock plucked from the annals of history.  Many are missing teeth, cannot read, and hump their sister’s leg without warning.  You just can’t mimick that kind of inbred behavior, and trust me when I say that we’ve tried.

But what can you use the Pocket Villagers for?  Management decisions, of course!  Thinking about cutting out health insurance for your employees?  Run it past the villagers to see how your employees will react!  Want to initiate a massive layoff?  Let the villagers in on your secret!  You’ll know you’ve made the right decision when they try to light your desk on fire!

Not in a management position at work?  You can employ the villagers to terrorize your co-workers.  Is your cube-partner annoying you by clicking his pen too much?  Use the villagers to secretly remove the clicker after working hours.  Your boss cut health insurance?  Use the villagers to light his desk on fire!  Remember to blame the janitor!

But what if you’re unemployed?  Never fear, we take food stamps, welfare checks, unemployment checks, fuel assistance, and SSI/SSDI.  And if you think that just because you don’t have a job that you don’t need the villagers, you’ve got to remember that you’re always wrong.  There are lots of things they can do for the gainfully unemployed!  Why, they can get you an ice cold beer from the fridge and it’s like watching Easter Island come to fruition, so you’ll be entertained while you wait.  Don’t like your neighbor’s dog?  Just tell your villagers that it’s a wicked beast sent from below to encourage rampant homosexuality.  They’ll take care of that problem lickety-split.  They’re also great for picking pockets on the subway…and now you have an alternative revenue stream.

So order your Illuminati Pocket Villagers today.  And if you act now, you’ll get a video of Vince Offer beating up a hooker.  I swear we had nothing to do with that, except for making him wear his PJs for the mugshot.  You know, if he had a ShamWow and a Slap Chop (with life-partner, Graty) with him that night, he wouldn’t have any need for a hooker.

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