You Can Be an Illuminati, too.


April 1st. The one time of year that the general population can screw with each other, much the same way we screw with you. But please keep the following in mind:

  • You are no longer allowed to use the “Delusional Contortion Gun”. We now reserve that for the kids at Christmas time.
  • Fuzzy handcuffs can only be used in limited quantities. I’m tired of dispatching interns to uncuff the piggies from your bedposts.
  • Rum soaked cotton balls are strictly prohibited after the incident last year involving the CEO of a multi-national corporation, three sticks of gum, and a tank. You know who you are.
  • Gene Chapman is booked solid for his nude hamburger balloon animal presentation. Has been for weeks. Stop calling.
  • The wolverpus is still available for parties and pony rides. Unfortunately, he’s still a bit hungry, so you might want to get insurance on the pony. It’s worth it, though, to see the horse freak out as he drools all over the reigns. But invite him at your own risk. I don’t want to hear about any missing limbs or mauled house pets. Just be happy he doesn’t like the taste of children.
  • We are currently missing only one out of the forty-two anti-Irony tanks that went missing last year. If you see it, please contact HQ immediately. Do not attempt to commandeer the vehicle yourself as there still may be a half-crazed CEO with bubblegum at the helm. And you really don’t want to mess with that.
  • Interns are still available to those who wish to carry out intricate schemes. Just submit your immortal soul to the PO Box shown on the back of the $1 FRN.
  • Worldwide conspiracies still must be cleared through my office. April Fools does not give you a pass on this regulation. Fines for attempting a worldwide conspiracy today will result in punishment including, but not limited to, being lathered with honey and shoved in a water cooler for the remainder of the year.
  • The Evil Government Weather Machine is not broken. It’s just overheating from too much use.

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