Swishenheimer 766 Meets Tuesday


The hamster lap dancing union, Swishenheimer 766, will be meeting next Tuesday. The aquarium has pulled out as the regular meeting location due to several reasons, including but not limited to: Puffy insisting on riding the beluga whales, Buckwheat leaning his little hamster butt into the piranha tank and teasing them with his tail, that unspeakable act Turbo performed on the squid, Chubby getting the janitor drunk on tequila shots and using his belly as a trampoline, and the improper use of the slingshot to turn Pancake…into well…a pancake. They weren’t able to scrape all of him off the dolphin tank. Flipper’s extremely upset. Or laughing. It’s really hard to tell with dolphins.

Now, I’ve talked the SuperBall factory into giving everyone another chance. So no more stunts like last time. This means that no one is allowed to see how many SuperBalls can fit in their mouth, stomach, or… other places. No more trying to rig the equipment to create SuperBalls bigger than elephant balls – the elephants get jealous. And for the love of the spiteful god, the polybutadiene is not for skinny dipping.

So, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way. Nippy will be be performing the role of the “Lap Leader” and wants to discuss several important issues facing the union members, so make sure you’re prepared to participate at the meeting by reading the following:

Lap dancing requires you to stand on your hind legs, shake your groove thang to the music, and entertain the customer. While this looks quite simple when you see humans do it, it surely is not for the hamster race. Balance is a very tricky thing, and it’s important to use your tail to stop you from falling backwards in a maneuver we fondly call “The Tripod Shuffle.” Be certain to practice this for you may be called on to demonstrate your technique at the meeting and will be subjected to critique. You don’t want to be the guy to fall over backwards into the pit of fire. Yeah, we’re really not going to like you if it’s your fur we smell burning.

Nipple configuration can be quite difficult to properly maintain. Humans are lucky in that they only have two because the legal limit is just that. Consider alternative methods to prevent accidental over-exposure. If your fur is short, your options are few. A little superglue and some trimmed leftovers from your dog’s last shedding can go a long way to prevent fines. Others have chosen to go “clean shaven” and just used duct tape to cover up the naughty bits. As for those with longer fur, there are quite a few options available to you. Human hair care products can be used to manipulate the fur for creative concealment. Just be sure to only purchase products tested on animals, otherwise there may be burning, itching, swelling, lymphoma and, in rare cases, death. Those who prefer the “wet look” will find that the petroleum jelly you already use to achieve said look will aid you greatly in maintaining legal status while performing. If it’s your first time using the jelly, be aware that there is a look beyond wet called “drowned in petroleum jelly”. You want to avoid this as it thins out the fur too much and is really only attractive to a…certain kind of hamster. Speak to experienced “wet look” hamsters for tips on preventing this from happening. Remember to show up at the meeting dressed for success, so to speak. The federal representative, Agent Ping-Pong, will be there to provide preliminary inspections.

Hoarding is the main event of any performance. While a normal hoarding actually involves storing food in your cheeks, it will be impossible to do this while entertaining. The fine art of giving the appearance of hoarding, along with the reveal to the customer is paramount to a successful hamster lap dancer. Before the meeting, do some research on the internet on how to do it – but do not try it without a trained professional. We will have experienced instructors at the meeting to train you properly, as well as long-standing union members to help you out.

So remember furballs, next Tuesday at the SuperBall factory. If you’re late, we’ll feed you to the copy machine.

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