Today, one of my co-conspirators alerted me to an email sent by a member of NESARA. Dove of Oneness planted some inaccurate information regarding the passing of Tim Russert, of “Meet the Press”. First of all, we at the Illuminati would like everyone to know that although Mr. Russert frequently worked against us, we always admired and respected his work. He will be greatly missed by many in our organization and we fear that we will never find someone who can keep us on our toes quite the way he did.
All that being said, we know for a fact that the CIA no longer has a working device that can stimulate a heart attack. The CIA borrowed the device in question for only one week and I swear she looked perfectly normal when they returned her. But we put her on the Spitzer case and not only has Spitzer not keeled over in a compromising situation, but the Illuminati received a small infusion of cash. R&D has been working on finding the problem for over a month and have been unable to turn up anything. We’re a bit afraid that she’s begun to think for herself, and I swear the if the CIA is removing the Independent Thought Inhibitor, their cute little acronym will suddenly stand for “Chronically Infected Anus”. Don’t think I won’t. Anyway, if someone from the CIA would like to fess up anonymously so we can get the problem fixed, that would be great. I promise I’ll be nice and transfer you to somewhere tropical. Like an active volcano.
And as for that malarkey regarding the Illuminati working with Bush, well that’s just preposterous. Everyone knows that the Illuminati doesn’t work with presidents, we control them. Well, sort of. See, the thing is that you really can’t usefully control someone who is already being controlled. I mean, sure, you can get them to do the Chicken Dance in the middle of rush hour traffic, but getting them to push the big red button is simply impossible. In cases like this, you must do a little research to figure out who is really controlling them. In a man’s case, it’s usually the wife or mother. Lucky for us, she’s really good at taking bribes.
Lastly, for those of you who are not aware of the Illuminati’s involvement in the NESARA program, the following is an excerpt of an announcement from last year:
This NESARA thing is getting out of control. I wrote that crap on a bar napkin in 1932 while loaded on … well, I don’t remember. Next thing I know, my boss authorized the scam to be leaked to the general public and used as a source of new ideas. Now, over the past 75 years, it’s been expanded to a “project” involving hundreds which includes some of the more prolific scam leaders.
The moral of the story is simple, kids: Good, bad, absolutely indifferent…we’ve got our hands in EVERYTHING.