Realtor-Bots: The Cluster Bunny Continues…


In the beginning, there was land.  And on that land there stood shelter.  And lo the occupant of that shelter shouted to the heavens, “I covet a bigger shelter.”  And the heavens responded by sending unto the people a special kind of unholy being.  A Realtor.

Okay, so that’s not quite how it happened.  But one could assume it did, what with all the fantastic strides R&D have made in manufacturing Realtor-bots.  I mean, it’s almost impossible to tell the difference between most Realtors and a Realtor-bot.  But, since our bots have certainly done their part to cause the housing market bubble to burst which has set off a chain reaction of part economic meltdown and part government bailouts, it’s time to release some important information.  And since we’re still drunk from all the celebrations, we’re going to do it Jeff Foxworthy style.

You might be a Realtor-bot if you are a Realtor AND …

  • you constantly complain about either not making any money or never having any money…right before you buy the bar a round.
  • you have more than two gym memberships, but can’t even remember where the gym is located.  And you won’t cancel the memberships because you might use them “one day.”
  • you tell someone one thing, but write down something entirely different and can’t see the inconsistency.
  • your employment history consists of low-paying jobs that didn’t last for more than six months.  But that doesn’t demonstrate an inability to keep a job…just that all those employers were too demanding and irrational.
  • you cop an attitude when someone says to you “I need…”
  • you are incapable of following rules or written directions.
  • you must be continually reminded of things people told you.
  • you get extra snarky when someone points out any flaws in your logic.
  • you whine about being too busy to do mundane tasks that everyone else manages to do, but insist on performing archaic and time-consuming rituals for no apparent reason.
  • you argue that condoms are a business expense.
  • you can come up with any excuse imaginable to get away with not paying bills for as long as possible.
  • when someone asks you for something, you send them everything but what they requested and insist that you got them what they asked for.
  • you have to be the center of attention, barring the existence of other bots (competition) in the same room.
  • you enjoy carrying on cell phone conversations – loudly – so everyone knows what a big shot you are.
  • you expect immediate results and are appalled that everyone cannot live up to those expectations.
  • you often go to Borders to just buy coffee.
  • on the rare occasion that you actually purchase a book, the topic is about how to get rich.
  • you purchase apartment buildings with the hope to have residual income, but because being a landlord is not as easy as it looks on TV, you don’t even collect enough in rent each month to pay the mortgage.
  • your girlfriend (or boyfriend) enjoys telling everyone how smart you are.
  • you agree with your girlfriend (or boyfriend) and understand that your brilliance qualifies you to give legal, accounting, and nutritional advice far better than the experts in those fields who went to school for it.

Thankfully, the Realtor-bots have been a bit difficult to identify thanks to the abundance of incompetent, spoiled, money-hungry people thinking that becoming a real estate agent is their saving grace.  And of course, we give props to those who were truly born to be a real estate agent and do exceptionally well at their chosen profession.  But as those are few and far between, we delight in what a cluster bunny the entire industry is.

So, while I polish off another keg, I leave you with this one thought: The problem with creating a bot that cannot follow directions is that they will frequently fall out of protocol, and as a result they go completely rogue and do not become Realtors.  So take a good long look at your bookkeeper, office support person, waittress, or medical transcriptionist and ask him or her whether they’ve ever considered a career in real estate.

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