Those who pay any kind of attention while fast-forwarding through commercials have seen our evil little leprechaun hocking a new product. Quite clearly, the Slap Chop is an attempt to gain favor with the Illuminati. Now, we’ve decided not to make a decision about this based on my present mood, since doing so would most certainly see Vince get dragged behind an incontinent werewolf on a warm winter morning. Instead, we’re going to put him on a point system and for shits and giggles, he gets to start today’s review at -666. On with the crucifixion!
Hiding Illuminati Favors
As was pointed out in our investigation, Vince made a spectacle of his gigantic freaking hands. Even we have to admit he’s done a better job of covering it up this time around. Either he’s trying to make up for his blunder, or all that stuff we’ve been putting in Camera Guy’s coffee has been paying off. At the very least its fun watching him trying to snap Vince on the ass with a wet shammy. Did you know that Vince shrieks like a little girl? Of course you don’t, because he doesn’t. He shrieks like a hyena with its nuts in a vice.
+50 And I’m being charitable considering that Camera Guy did the real work here.
“You’re gonna love my nuts!”
While we’re on the topic of nuts, it’s important that we bring this up. Vince proudly declares that we’re going to love his nuts. Not quite, Vince. I’ve seen your nuts, and I’m not entirely sure I even like them. They had an attitude with me and called me names behind my back. You can imagine how overjoyed I was when I discovered that you were going to chop your own nuts, and how utterly disappointed I was when they weren’t the nuts I was hoping for.
+600 for grossing out America by making them think of your jingle-jangles
-250 for allowing me to think that you were bold enough to dismember yourself four hundred times an hour for my entertainment
+99 for saying “You’re gonna love my nuts!” with a straight face
-150 for not following up with “Slap Chop whatever pops up!”
I lambasted Vincy last time for being careless with the clones we gave him, so we stopped giving him any clones. Now Vince has to do all this marketing all by himself, meanwhile Billy Mays just placed an order for another 4000. We’re thoroughly impressed that Vince is managing to still make a riveting commercial despite the lack of extra help.
+60 We’d be more impressed if he hadn’t used his clone privileges to go all completely frickin’ spastic with Sham Wow.
Someone on Vince’s team has made great efforts to mask the ineffectiveness of the product. Notice how you never see the whole device while it’s chopping anything. You see the top part of the device when a hand hits it, or the bottom part when something is being chopped – but you never get to see the whole story. Well, not exactly. We do see the whole picture, when we’re supposedly chopping Vince’s nuts, but he manages to weasel in using the Slap Chop cover to prevent us from seeing what he’s chopping – if anything.
+75 For making it less obvious that the product isn’t as fabulous as you’d like everyone to believe
-246 For not actually chopping anyone’s nuts
-692 Because I used the Slap Chop before it was called the Slap Chop and it ruined my aim so badly that at least 32 interns narrowly escaped from flying cups of scalding hot coffee. Bad, Vince, bad.
That’s right. Vince found out where R2-D2 has been hiding. Look to your right and say hello to what R2 would look like if he dressed up as a glorified waste receptacle for Halloween. Long gone are the days where he would bail someone ass out of a bind, now he just grates cheese. He’s also ditched his tall, shiny, effeminate friend and has met an intriguing apparatus that strips down on command and spreads like a butterfly. And what guy doesn’t dream of meeting someone like that?
+62 Because we didn’t really care to find him.
Oh, cruel fate. -666. You’re back where you started Vince. Try again.