Oddthingsyphilitis

March 23, 2009

Play along, my friends, or don your tin foil beanie and pretend that I can’t reach you.

Just when I finished the last round of antibiotics, I managed to pick this up from ElfNinosMom over at Adventures In Frickintardistan.  Honey, go to the free clinic to get this taken care of before you spread it further.

Directions: Share ODD Things about you! If you opened this, FILL IT OUT! Learn 20 something things about your friends, and let them learn 20-something things about you

  1. Do you like blue cheese? Only with pink cheese since it turns purple.
  2. Have you ever smoked? One time, when some intern went ape-shit and tried to light me on fire, I smoked a bit.
  3. Do you own a gun?  You mean, like, with bullets?  Are you counting gerbils as bullets?
  4. What flavor Kool Aid was your favorite?  Soylent green.
  5. What do you think of hot dogs? I’m thinking that you don’t know what I really put in them.
  6. Favorite Christmas movie? Gremlins.  Definitely Gremlins.
  7. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?  Virgin blood.
  8. Can you do push ups?  Look, just tell me how many you want me to do and I’ll find a suitable intern to threaten into doing them for me.
  9. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry?  Shock collar.
  10. Favorite hobby?  Pushing Buttons.
  11. Do you have A. D. D?  When you’re in charge, it’s not ADD, it’s mental multi-tasking.
  12. Do you wear glasses/contacts?  I wore a dish set once in 1985.  It didn’t end well.
  13. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment: My coffee doesn’t have enough sugar in it.  Why does that intern have to scream so loudly?  If he doesn’t shut up soon, I’m going to throw another cup at him.
  14. Name 3 drinks you regularly? Regularly what?   Drug?  That’s easy.  Booze, coffee, tap water.
  15. Favorite place to be? Any place where I can look down on everyone.
  16. Where would you like to go? Hell, and back.  But I’ve been banned for breaking the rules, so whatever.  Lucy, the Dark Lord, is a big, fat wuss.
  17. What color shirt are you wearing? You assume I’m wearing one.
  18. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?  Only if they don’t have Wrinkles on them.  Man, that dude is creepy.
  19. Can you whistle?  Don’t be dirty.
  20. Where are you now? My favorite place.
  21. Would you be a pirate?  I already am.
  22. What songs do you sing in the shower? “The Song That Never Ends,” which is most notably from “Lamb Chop’s Play-Along”
  23. What is in your pocket right now? Angry villagers with pitchforks.
  24. Last thing that made you laugh?  The look on the last intern’s face as I fed him to the Wolverpus.
  25. Random odd thing.  Garden gnomes fart.  Go ahead and prove me wrong.  I guarantee you’ll be hauled off  to the nuthouse before you get that far.
  26. How many TVs do you have in your house?  House?

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Congratulations, Colbert

March 23, 2009

My office received word early yesterday that our very own Stephen Colbert won the contest to have the new glorified Brita/Ionic Breeze/Porta-Potty named after him.   He really needs to step up his game, though, since he only received 230,539 votes.  His following used to be much larger than that.  I’d suggest acquiring a number of Kanye West clones to worship him, but we’re still dramatically overstocked on Vince Offer clones.

Many of you are already aware that NASA can opt out of using Colbert for their space-age Porta-Potty.  We’re going to let them decide on this one.  It’s more interesting this way. But, at least if they choose the runner up, Serenity, then we have an excuse to make some poor, unsuspecting schmuck look like Nathan Fillion, hide him in a secret compartment and watch the life get sucked out him as they launch him into space.  Kind of like how I felt while watching Drive.

But not matter which way it goes, NASA will really have to give a flying crap.  And put it in orbit.

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