You Bore Me

September 29, 2009

Trampling all over your sense of reality, breaking into your homes and playing tic-tac-toe with your sanity, and just making you wake up screaming in the middle of the night is getting far too easy, and quite frankly,  I’m so very bored.  My psychiatrist was telling me that I might need make the whole thing more challenging.  And then I pushed him down a flight of stairs.  I never trusted the sanctity of the doctor-patient privilege.  Death is a more permanent way of keeping secrets.  Needless to say, I saw the doctor again on my way out of the building and he didn’t seem to be feeling too well.

I know that you frequently look in your fridge and find things missing.  Now, I’m sure that you pass it off as a brain fart or the midnight munchies by another member of your household.  Well, I can assure you that it is neither of those things.  It was the Fridge Gremlin.  That little bastard has been robbing everyone blind ever since humans found a way to store food safely. And we totally let him.  Hell, he’s under contract for it. If you’ve found that he is frequently hitting your household, you should know that you can make your own fridge guard.

To do so, take a nice gallon of milk, drink it until it’s about halfway done, and leave it in the fridge until it’s about to expire.  Then, add in some swine flu, a socket wrench, and some pork fried rice (without MSG) from six months ago, shake it up really well and leave it in a sunny spot to stew. You’ll notice that the container starts to change shape.  Sometimes it’ll bow out and other times it’ll look like it’s going to implode – it really all depends on which strain of flu you added.  Whatever you do, do not release the pressure by opening the cap.  Not only will the fumes pull the nose-ring out of your lip (oooh, you’re such a rebel), it will also knock up your grandfather.  Once the limits of the container have been reached, put the concoction back in the fridge and you won’t be bothered by the Gremlin again.  Of course, there is a very good possibility that the fumes will manage to find their way through the walls of the container and contaminate the rest of the food.  Sure, your butter may eventually kill you, but your produce will be safe.

Take a long look at the floor of your closet.  Seeing more coat hangers than you ever remember purchasing?  Um, yeah, about that…  we may have accidentally dropped a few into the bunny mating frenzy pen and may have arranged for a few tainted coat hangers to ship with every package.  While I admit that it was pretty funny watching your futile efforts to unload all the extra hangers at Goodwill or the dump, it really did get monotonous to watch you freak out every single time you gathered them up to make the journey.  You’re killing me.  Just neuter them already.  Just take a hacksaw or something to that hook-like thing at the top of each of your hangers.  They’ll never multiply again.

Well, that’s all you’re getting for tonight.  I’m hoping that’ll be enough to clear out your schedules for some new things I’ve cooked up.  If it’s not, you’ll be hearing about it.

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Illuminacare: The Illuminati Health Care Option

September 18, 2009

I have to admit that it’s been very entertaining watching everyone scream at each other over this whole health care debacle. No, really. I didn’t know you had it in you to get so worked up over nothing. Don’t you realize that no matter what you want or what you think is going to happen, you’re wrong? Of course you don’t, you’ve got the learning curve of a Snickers bar – and that’s being generous. And since I’m having so much fun watching you freaks sink to new lows, I’ve decided to let you in on what’s really going to happen and watch you go off into a larger tizzy.  Oh, by the way, there needs to be more finger biting.  That’s always good.

There Will Be Death Panels

Don’t let anyone tell you that there won’t be or that this is a lie generated by one faction of the enraged masses.  I’m telling you that there will absolutely, unequivocably be death panels. The Illuminati have already instituted these as part of our company-sponsored health care plan, and I can tell you that heading the death panel is the highlight of my Monday morning. Why, just last week, I told Frank that there was no need to attempt to kill the Neptunian parasite in his stomach since the forehead I installed on his backside was going to kill him out of spite first. And every third Monday of the month, we pick two people’s names out a hat and make them fight for their lives in the Girdle of Doom. Of course, no one comes out alive. Its a two-fer. We’re very efficient here, so don’t forget that.

No Insurance Premiums, Co-Pays Non-Existent

Modeled after our own internal insurance plan, all insurance will actually be free and you’ll never pay anything to see a doctor. Now, while this all sounds very expensive, I can assure you that it also won’t cost my organization a penny. This is because we’ve found ways to pick your pockets clean with all sorts of other trumped up money-suckers including “inflation” and “food.” And we’re doing such a good job of it that we have an enormous surplus in the “free money” fund. Lest you think that we’re being nice by letting you use what is essentially “your” money, you need to keep in mind that we’re not nice.  Shame on you!

Something About an Egyptian River

Under the current system, insurance companies deny recommended procedures with no apparent rhyme or reason.  Not us.  We firmly feel that you should know why your claim was denied.  But don’t think that we’d waste our time writing you a letter or phoning you up to tell you that reason.  Oh, no.  We like to have a bit of flare, so you’ll find out moments after your doctor does…right before the procedure.  You may even be sedated at the time.  It’s really not my problem.

So, here it is:  your claim will be processed using the “Eeny Meeny Miny Mo” method.  This will help keep our costs low because we’re not spending minutes reading your claims and are instead spending mere seconds denying them. I love my job.

Cool New Procedures

R&D had a great idea.  You see, we’re always looking for unsuspecting victims willing participants to our medical experiments and with better access to you guys, we’ll have them.  Now when you go in for a new kidney, you might come out with a brand new elbow-nose.  Don’t say we never give you anything.  Just, um, don’t sneeze. By combining legitimate procedures with sadistic ones, we can save loads of money in the fund and use it to “treat” more people.

Resign to Your Fate

You really don’t have a choice in the matter, so it’s best if you just accept this.  So I’m going to tell you not to accept it.  I want to see more marches on Washington, more unhinged rants, and more yelling, and more ignoring.  Now get to it.  I’ve got popcorn popping so you don’t have much time.

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