Holiday Home Security

December 8, 2010

The economy is shaping up quite nicely.  Pretty much everyone in the middle-to-bottom range is still suffering and we’ve got economists telling you it’s getting better.  It’s not, duh.  We lie.  A lot. It’s one of our things.  Sure, not everyone believes us 100% of the time, but we convince enough people to make it worth it.  Which leads me to my point.

Someone out there thinks you’re doing better than them.  Granted, this is true most of the time but this year is different.  You have loads of gullible and desperate people who believe that things really are getting better for someone, and that someone is anyone but them.  While they sit at the milk carton that substitutes for their dining room table and try to read their foreclosure notice by the fading light of a cell phone with no service, their mind drifts to that big flat screen TV that took four guys to bring into your house.

If you haven’t gotten my point by now: Someone out there wants everything you own.  What are you going to do about it?  Install one of those electronic monitoring systems that lets some minimum wage employee determine whether or not the guy in your house with your X-Box under his arm is worth calling the cops over?  Yeah, let me know how that works out.  What you need is an Illuminati Security System.  Don’t worry, it’s very affordable.

First up, dig a moat. It has to be twenty to a hundred feet wide, fifty feet deep and encompass the perimeter of your property.  If you live in a suburban or rural area, it’s best if you extend beyond your property for this.  If people notice, that’s their tough luck for not doing it first.  Don’t be an idiot and dig the moat yourself  – hire illegal immigrants.  They’re great workers and they work for free – but the trick is to hire a group big enough to get all the work done in one day and then time immigration’s arrival for when they’re finished.  They’ll scatter like cockroaches before they can even ask for their money. The worst you’ll have to do is pick up all the tools they dropped during their departure.  But you can pay a neighborhood kid like five bucks to do that for you.

At this point, you’ll have a sad, empty moat.  That’s when you call our 976 number.  Tell Fred that you like to be spanked by day-old biscuits.  You’ll need to tell him how many biscuits and how many days old.  The quantity of biscuits is directly relational to the width of your moat and the days are relational to the circumference, so if you’ve got a twenty foot wide moat that’s three-hundred fifty feet all the way around, tell him you’d like 20, 350 day old biscuits.  It’s a code, numbnuts.  Gotta keep it all on the down-low or else you’ll just be the schmuck who started the moat trend in the neighborhood.  Don’t be that guy.

Your moat filling should arrive by the end of the week and will come in two packages.  Open the package labeled “Step 1” and say “Hi” to your first line of defense.  They may greet you in return.  Hamsters are friendly that way.  After you do that, empty the package into the moat.  Be sure to spread out the hamsters in an even layer inside the moat.  They will not even themselves out.  Once you are finished, the hamsters will automatically build a barrier within your moat, line the inner section, and eventually settle in the outer section.

Now fill up the empty section of the moat with water.  Your garden hose will do nicely, but I recommend that you just steal a fire truck and empty the neighborhood pools before they get home from work.  It’ll go faster.  Once that’s done, you should open the package labeled “Step 2.”  You will notice that the contents look an awful lot like pills.  Capsules to be exact.  These are not to be taken internally, but should you choose to do so I’d like to request that you upload the video to YouTube.  Sprinkle the entire contents of the bag into the watery section of your moat.  At this point, you can either set up a lawnchair and watch the capsules slowly expand over the next twenty-four hours or you can move on with your life since the hard part of setting up your moat is done.  I don’t recommend you leave the property though, since your newfound security system will make sure you don’t return.

Anyway, by the same time the next day, your Magic Grow Dragon Capsules will be fully expanded into actual Dragons.  You’ll want to introduce yourself to them.  They will naturally attune themselves to your voice, your appearance, and your scent.  That’s why the introduction is important.

Now your Illuminati Security System is fully set-up.  From here on out, anyone who isn’t you that dares approach your property will be burnt to a crisp and then disposed of by your army of hamsters.  Also, since your hamster army is quite large they can be used to harass your neighbors, run errands, and procure stuff you desire from nearby homes.  Your neighbors will also envy your moat and will pay anything to find out how you got yours (especially after the recent rash of break-ins).  At best, they’ll only manage a cheap imitation. A pack of pitpulls are nothing in comparison to a hamster army and a mess of dragons.

Happy Holidays!

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Illuminati Christmas

December 29, 2008

Jens over at FreeDumb of Expression brought up some good points regarding Santa, so I decided that it’s time I reveal Christmas for what it is: an Illuminati plot to make a good part of your year completely unbearable.  Or at least to those who celebrate Christmas.  Don’t worry, we’re going after Hanukkah next.

You were probably already aware of this, since they start playing Christmas music before Halloween and you don’t finish paying off your Christmas purchases until Christmas five years later.  My idea by the way, and you’re welcome.  So, now that Christmas is over, I thought I’d let you in on some well-known Illuminati secrets regarding this plight.  It won’t truly matter since by next year you’ll be too busy buying gifts for your shiftless relatives.

One of the most iconic symbols of the holiday is Santa.  Did you realize that his name is an anagram for Satan?  Bet you did.  Most kids figure that out in the third grade.  Let’s talk about his appearance for a moment.  That rosy tinge on his cheeks ain’t makeup, that’s a Rosacea blush caused by consuming too much alcohol.  And the suit?  It’s a blend of the color of your checkbook after a successful Christmas and pimp-tastic fur lining.  Makes you wonder if that sack of toys is meant for delivery or keeping his hos elves in line.  You’ll never really know.  And his beard is intended to mask his appearance as well as any robber would.  Did you ever wonder why your Benz was down a tank of gas on Christmas day?  Why drive a sleigh when you can bald the tires on an expensive car.

In addition to that, the truth that Santa teaches goes well beyond anything your kids are taught in school.  What better than an omnipotent presence who supposedly watches you all the time to teach your kids that being “nice” and listening to your parents is only contingent on whether or not someone is looking over your shoulder.  Granted, you could say that telling your kids that someone is ALWAYS watching will keep them in-line…but since you don’t say that all year long, since they get gifts regardless of their behavior, and since they don’t care about something eight months away…your threats fall on deaf ears.  But go ahead and keep teaching them that they can do whatever they want when no one is looking and rest assured that when they know that Santa isn’t looking they’ll haul your aged ass off into a crap nursing home and let you rock it out to a Charlie Brown Christmas while eating your designated slice of week old SPAM.

But that’s not all.  Aren’t you always teaching your kids to stay away from strangers?  And what do you freaks do?  Plop your child’s but on the lap of a perfect stranger – one whose lips hasn’t left a bottle since 1945, probably hasn’t passed any kind of background check and you couldn’t identify in a court of law because his face is obscured by a cotton beard.  Good job guys.  Way to teach your kids that it’s okay to sit on a creepy stranger’s lap.  Not just any stranger either, but Santa’s army of Rugrat Molesting Mall Santas.

Oh, and the lies you tell – and we’re actually really proud of you for this – you actually go out of your way to undermine your child’s trust.  You  make them believe the unbelievable only hit their little dreams with a sledgehammer later.  Build them up…knock them down…you do realize that even the CIA isn’t cruel enough to do it in that order.  Are you creating fully-functioning adults or are you creating dysfunctional sociopaths?  You decide.  But we do so get a kick out of the lengths you’ll go to get them to believe.  Eight flying reindeer?  You do realize that the only way those tick infested overgrown rats off the ground is to feed them LSD.  Which is actually pretty funny to watch.  But no, they don’t really fly.  But they certainly think they do.  And when your little ankle-biters dare to inquire as to how Santa makes it around the world in one night…that bit about the super-sonic Santa gets my goat every time.  How much further are you going to fray before you realize that you’ve lost your freaking mind?

A lot further as it turns out, since once your kids find out the truth and go through the mourning process for a guy who couldn’t possibly exist you FORCE THEM to keep it a secret from friends who don’t know and younger siblings.  And when they tell?  They get punished!  Freaking awesome.  Makes me want to make you honorary members of my organization.  But that won’t happen, you’ll have to do far better than that to get a foot in my door.

But Christmas doesn’t end with the jolly ole pedophile.  No…there’s the retail end.  Every year we sink ad money into the system so you’ll go further under in your checkbook.  And so far it’s working.  Don’t worry about this little recession thing, you’ll keep spending what you don’t have regardless.  And what better to truly kick off the holiday spending season than a day that shares its name with hangings, massacres, natural disasters, and financial crises?  BLACK FRIDAY.  Oh, yes we did.  You people line up outside the stores before the break of day, sometimes sleeping there overnight, to catch 20% off lighted pen trinkets for stocking stuffers.  Yes, that’s a whole $0.30 off the every day low price.  And you push and shove gimpy old ladies with social security checks in hand to get your little trinkets.  You are truly a piece of work.

But it’s all in the name of Good Will and Peace on Earth.  At least until the stores open.

May Santa Bless You One and All.

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