Killer Hamsters “Escape”

March 15, 2010

I’m sure you’ve been wondering where I’ve been.  Maybe even waiting with bated breath hoping I would come back and enthrall and berate you some more.  Well you sick bastards, here I am. Anyway, I’ve been busy touring our many research operations throughout the world.  I’m happy to report that things are coming along nicely in most areas, but there was one location near the Canadian border which worries me a bit.

Many years ago, I authorized this particular facility to manufacture a new breed of assassin with the understanding that they would make me pleasantly surprised by the results.  In response, they spent billions of dollars coming up with what looked to be a…..hamster.

At first, I was exceptionally angry.  I mean, what the hell am I paying these people for?  I already have talking hamsters that are more than willing to kill people for me.  And they make me more?!  It was only after I impaled an unfortunate office worker with a plastic letter opener that they explained how special their hamsters were.

You see, they knew that I would not be satisfied with such a meager offering, so they made enhancements they knew I would like to ensure that their chances of survival would be higher.   I’m going to make this into a bullet list, since I know that you all have the attention span of a horny puppy on crack.  Try to keep up:

  • I like angry little furry things.  It’s true.  So, they made these hamsters extra mean.  From the lab videos they showed me, these little things turn green and rip the heads off baby chickens with their tails.  For fun.
  • I like people with ambition. And boy these things have it in spades.   You know how welfare moms will eat their own children if the death benefits will be even one dollar higher than that child’s portion of the welfare check?  Yeah, these guys will do it if the difference is only a cent more.  Maybe even a fraction of a cent.  Further testing will need to be done.
  • Battle cries are awesome.  You can’t deny it.  And as much as I like a silent assassin, I prefer it if victims know it’s coming.  The look in their eyes is more satisfying.
  • I’m always thinking of storage space.  I’m female, I can’t help it. So, naturally, I would want any assassin to be able to hide his tools on (or in) his person.  These folks managed to make the hamster pouches 30% more efficient.  Which, oddly enough, is just about enough room to fit a hamster-size sniper rifle, with accessories.

You may recall when I mentioned earlier about this project worrying me.  Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love the semi-final results.  Problem is, the clever little bastards escaped.  Or, self-released, if you will.  That’s right, they’re loose and they have no standing orders.  Now you see why I was worried.

But, the process of simplifying the situation and translating it into small words so that you may understand it has helped me come to the realization that I’m not actually worried.  The facility is located near the Canadian border and those furry sociopaths headed north.

They’re Canada’s problem now.   Do you think I should warn our satellite offices up there or let it be a surprise?

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Swishenheimer 766 Meets Tuesday

April 23, 2008

The hamster lap dancing union, Swishenheimer 766, will be meeting next Tuesday. The aquarium has pulled out as the regular meeting location due to several reasons, including but not limited to: Puffy insisting on riding the beluga whales, Buckwheat leaning his little hamster butt into the piranha tank and teasing them with his tail, that unspeakable act Turbo performed on the squid, Chubby getting the janitor drunk on tequila shots and using his belly as a trampoline, and the improper use of the slingshot to turn Pancake…into well…a pancake. They weren’t able to scrape all of him off the dolphin tank. Flipper’s extremely upset. Or laughing. It’s really hard to tell with dolphins.

Now, I’ve talked the SuperBall factory into giving everyone another chance. So no more stunts like last time. This means that no one is allowed to see how many SuperBalls can fit in their mouth, stomach, or… other places. No more trying to rig the equipment to create SuperBalls bigger than elephant balls – the elephants get jealous. And for the love of the spiteful god, the polybutadiene is not for skinny dipping.

So, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way. Nippy will be be performing the role of the “Lap Leader” and wants to discuss several important issues facing the union members, so make sure you’re prepared to participate at the meeting by reading the following:

Lap dancing requires you to stand on your hind legs, shake your groove thang to the music, and entertain the customer. While this looks quite simple when you see humans do it, it surely is not for the hamster race. Balance is a very tricky thing, and it’s important to use your tail to stop you from falling backwards in a maneuver we fondly call “The Tripod Shuffle.” Be certain to practice this for you may be called on to demonstrate your technique at the meeting and will be subjected to critique. You don’t want to be the guy to fall over backwards into the pit of fire. Yeah, we’re really not going to like you if it’s your fur we smell burning.

Nipple configuration can be quite difficult to properly maintain. Humans are lucky in that they only have two because the legal limit is just that. Consider alternative methods to prevent accidental over-exposure. If your fur is short, your options are few. A little superglue and some trimmed leftovers from your dog’s last shedding can go a long way to prevent fines. Others have chosen to go “clean shaven” and just used duct tape to cover up the naughty bits. As for those with longer fur, there are quite a few options available to you. Human hair care products can be used to manipulate the fur for creative concealment. Just be sure to only purchase products tested on animals, otherwise there may be burning, itching, swelling, lymphoma and, in rare cases, death. Those who prefer the “wet look” will find that the petroleum jelly you already use to achieve said look will aid you greatly in maintaining legal status while performing. If it’s your first time using the jelly, be aware that there is a look beyond wet called “drowned in petroleum jelly”. You want to avoid this as it thins out the fur too much and is really only attractive to a…certain kind of hamster. Speak to experienced “wet look” hamsters for tips on preventing this from happening. Remember to show up at the meeting dressed for success, so to speak. The federal representative, Agent Ping-Pong, will be there to provide preliminary inspections.

Hoarding is the main event of any performance. While a normal hoarding actually involves storing food in your cheeks, it will be impossible to do this while entertaining. The fine art of giving the appearance of hoarding, along with the reveal to the customer is paramount to a successful hamster lap dancer. Before the meeting, do some research on the internet on how to do it – but do not try it without a trained professional. We will have experienced instructors at the meeting to train you properly, as well as long-standing union members to help you out.

So remember furballs, next Tuesday at the SuperBall factory. If you’re late, we’ll feed you to the copy machine.

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