The Art of Conspiracy

July 6, 2010

People try to blame my organization for things all the time. I get daily summaries of these on my desk every morning. I usually read these shortly after permanently disfiguring an intern with a flying cup of boiling hot coffee and fixing myself a cup of tea. Yes, I drink tea. The coffee is just for fun.

Anyway… I can understand why they target my organization. We’re the largest conspiracy in the world, doncha know. And these days, with the crap economy, the lizard president, and Justin Bieber getting a BET nomination you people are looking for reasons for the madness. First of all, you need to realize that we’re not here to make you feel better, we’re here to make you miserable and occasionally scare the crap out of you.

Now, these dailies are pretty entertaining. I mean, we’ve been blamed for everything from teen pregnancies to the disappearance of tan M&Ms. I may have had something to do with that last one.  They tasted so damned good that I wanted to have them all to myself.  Mmmmm….tan….

Ahem.  My dailies are not all encompassing as my incompetent staff tends to forget to cover the celebrity morons.  I mean, can you imagine how embarrassing it was to find out from TMZ that Wesley Snipes claims he was abducted by aliens and implanted with a chip?  Granted, he didn’t directly implicate my organization, but he certainly implied it with all the slurred words therefore it should have been in my dailies. Also, one would think that Harvey Levin would have shot me a personal email to let me know, but NO. Dude, you are a Jewish lawyer.  You need to keep up appearances.  Next time something juicy like that comes up, don’t forget that you have lackeys and a professional and religious obligation to send me it.  Next time it happens, I’m taking the funny little quippy guy in the back and turning him into a pocket person.  Then, I’m going to take him out only during your segments on People’s Court so he can comment on you.  And only you.  And I will enjoy it immensely.  And then maybe I’ll take him out for ice cream at a place that serves tiny little ice cream cones.

Back to my point.  That wasn’t the only embarrassing thing. Recently, one of my freelance operatives posted on this blog that Tila Tequila was getting her crazy on and trying to take down my organization using an advertising heavy, annoyingly cluttered blog of all things.  A BLOG.  She’s going to have to try harder than that.

So anyway, Tila’s been posting things that she thinks are secrets and such about various conspiracies (or just one, it’s hard to tell where she’s going with this one).  For instance, in this post she says:

I just wanted to bring light to something that I have known for a VERY long time. Maybe some of you remember me going on about an hour tweeting about these “secrets” that I know of, a long time ago on my old Twitter account. A lot of people knew what I was talking about and was in awe or shocked that I knew so much about it. Other’s who don’t know much about it just thought I was talking “crazy” and “nonsense.” However I feel as though it is my duty to start bringing to light the truth behind what is going on in our world today. So unless you have an open mind, then I digress for you to not continue reading my post. However if you indeed DO have an open mind, or know of these “HINTS” I am dropping to you, then please continue reading. Just letting you guys know, that I will start posting more and more about this, in bits and pieces, as I don’t want to come out and straight up say the whole thing. But if you follow my posts about this, you shall understand my subliminal message that I want to send you, so you can understand what is happening to you and what “THEY” are doing to you.

The best conspiracies are semi-literate and completely self-centered.  I mean, it’s not a conspiracy unless you’re at the center of it.  That much she did right.  The problem is that she starts talking in circles.  This makes stupid people dizzy.  You don’t want to lose the stupid people. They’re the bulk of your believers.

The old Twitter account mention is good.  You want to reference things that disappear suddenly, even if they disappeared for unrelated reasons.  Like that Scott Baio sitcom about two Air Force pilots which was to be aired on Fox, but never was.  It merely disappeared.  You can’t use that one.  I already did.

Moving on, imploring those with an open mind to continue reading is something you should never do. It makes people think that you’re crazy.  Which you are, but that’s beside the point.  We’re trying to build a good Tila conspiracy here.  Crazy shouldn’t factor into it.

And finally, Tila sweetheart, hints should never be all capitalized.  If they are, they’re not hints – more like contradictions.

Speaking of contradictions, from that same blog post:

Ok first of all, do you guys notice how lately, music video’s have a VERY DARK AND SATANIC vibe to them??

Which she then blames on Lady GaGa.  Whether or not GaGa is one of us is irrelevant.  Maybe she’s just a shiny object for you to look at while we do sinister things.  Or maybe she’s just found a way to make her crazy commercial.

Also, anyone who actually visits that site will notice something odd:

Miss Tila's Welcome to the Darkside

No, it’s not that she’s attempting to sing.  It’s that you shouldn’t complain that videos are very dark and satanic and then put out an album called “Welcome to the Darkside.” You can claim all you want that it has to do with the moon, but we all know that it’s a horror or Star Wars reference.  Don’t deny it.

Later in the rambling mess:

Anyway, the reason behind them doing this with the urgency of the music video’s is because they NEED to turn your brain to mush, so that you just become a vegetable, a robot, a zombie, under their command and not realize it. Have you guys seen the the movie “EYES WIDE SHUT?” well it is VERY SIMILAR TO THAT as well as the movie “DEVIL’s ADVOCATE”

Remember that when you reference movies in your conspiracy to reference ones that actually relate to your point.  Some people may have seen those and if you come across like a know-nothing idiot then no one will believe your conspiracy.

And lastly:

I gotta go now, don’t wanna cause too much commotion about this before they come and do me wrong again. I will tell you one day how they did me wrong because I knew stuff about them. MAJOR stuff about them and once they found out that I knew, the did some fucked up shit. They own the majority of the media. They can do and say whatever they want, Anyway, enough for now….

As for my fans/haters, who don’t understand what I’m talking about, please disregard this post. But for the people who DO KNOW what I’m speaking of, I will continue to write more blogs like this one but each blog I will leave more and more subliminal messages so that you know more of what I know……

This was good.  Always close with urgency, fear for your own safety, and imply that something bad has happened before.  The only quibble I have is her use of “subliminal.”  We ran her site through a subliminal filter to see what the real message was and there was nothing to be found.  Poor little Tila doesn’t know how to use her words.

Now, I must admit that when I started this post, I meant to simultaneously agree and disagree with the “secrets” on which Tila thinks she’s reporting. But the thing is after reading, it became painfully obvious that she’s not saying anything substantial. So, I thought it would make a better example of building  your own conspiracy theory, without delving too much into the intricacies. You should give it a go at the office.  Make up some crazy nonsense (like how the Post-Its are multiplying in the storage cabinet) and see if you can get your co-workers to buy into it.

And for those of you looking for an official word on the nonsense Tila’s spewing.  We don’t really care.  Seriously.  And if she happens to hit on a conspiracy that matter, well, it won’t matter.  She’s sufficiently discredited herself.

Add to FacebookAdd to DiggAdd to Del.icio.usAdd to StumbleuponAdd to RedditAdd to BlinklistAdd to TwitterAdd to TechnoratiAdd to Yahoo BuzzAdd to Newsvine