Pocket Villagers Now Available

April 8, 2009

One important aspect of my job is determining the effect of our actions on the morale of the unsuspecting public.  Recently, we tried to use complex emotional and developmental algorithms, but that required the computing power of the human brain and it turns out that the human brain isn’t much more powerful than a thousand horny lemmings.  And if I wanted to train a thousand horny lemmings to sit in the corner of my office and bleep and bloop like an arcade game, I would have gotten married.

So, we decided that it would be best to kick it old school, or what have you.  That’s right, we managed to revitalize the “Angry Villager Feedback System.”

If you were lucky enough to remember the last time we instituted AVFS, you’ll fondly recall the astounding heights of terror it achieved before the program came crashing down around itself.  You see, the major problem with angry villagers is that one will cannibalize others to increase mental capacity and logical thinking skills.  This will enable that one to rise to a position of power and lead an (unsuccessful) uprising.  But we’ve made several improvements to the program.

While the previous uprisings were beaten back with minimal bloodshed of anyone except interns, they are particularly annoying.  Like that time I had to keep running some guy down with my car.  It wasn’t my fault, really.  If he had just resigned himself to death instead of constantly getting back up, I wouldn’t have had to back over him thirteen times.  Can you imagine how much that grated on my nerves?  Well, the uprisings are the same way.  So, when I thought about restarting the program, I knew I had to find a solution to this nonsense.  R&D offered up the use of their experimental shrink ray (they’re still trying to figure out why it will sometimes only shrinks the genitalia), which reduces the villagers to convenient pocket-size.  This cuts back on the chance of losing more of those useless interns.

And in a bit of serendipity, the new size makes them suitable for public sale.  That’s right!  For just $2,499.99, you can now own your very own set of pocket villagers.  It may seem like a high price at first, but once you realize the value, you’ll know it’s a steal.  Quite literally.  Illuminati Pocket Villagers were bred from authentic stock plucked from the annals of history.  Many are missing teeth, cannot read, and hump their sister’s leg without warning.  You just can’t mimick that kind of inbred behavior, and trust me when I say that we’ve tried.

But what can you use the Pocket Villagers for?  Management decisions, of course!  Thinking about cutting out health insurance for your employees?  Run it past the villagers to see how your employees will react!  Want to initiate a massive layoff?  Let the villagers in on your secret!  You’ll know you’ve made the right decision when they try to light your desk on fire!

Not in a management position at work?  You can employ the villagers to terrorize your co-workers.  Is your cube-partner annoying you by clicking his pen too much?  Use the villagers to secretly remove the clicker after working hours.  Your boss cut health insurance?  Use the villagers to light his desk on fire!  Remember to blame the janitor!

But what if you’re unemployed?  Never fear, we take food stamps, welfare checks, unemployment checks, fuel assistance, and SSI/SSDI.  And if you think that just because you don’t have a job that you don’t need the villagers, you’ve got to remember that you’re always wrong.  There are lots of things they can do for the gainfully unemployed!  Why, they can get you an ice cold beer from the fridge and it’s like watching Easter Island come to fruition, so you’ll be entertained while you wait.  Don’t like your neighbor’s dog?  Just tell your villagers that it’s a wicked beast sent from below to encourage rampant homosexuality.  They’ll take care of that problem lickety-split.  They’re also great for picking pockets on the subway…and now you have an alternative revenue stream.

So order your Illuminati Pocket Villagers today.  And if you act now, you’ll get a video of Vince Offer beating up a hooker.  I swear we had nothing to do with that, except for making him wear his PJs for the mugshot.  You know, if he had a ShamWow and a Slap Chop (with life-partner, Graty) with him that night, he wouldn’t have any need for a hooker.

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Vince Tries to Slap Chop It Up to Me

February 19, 2009

Those who pay any kind of attention while fast-forwarding through commercials have seen our evil little leprechaun hocking a new product.  Quite clearly, the Slap Chop is an attempt to gain favor with the Illuminati.  Now, we’ve decided not to make a decision about this based on my present mood, since doing so would most certainly see Vince get dragged behind an incontinent werewolf on a warm winter morning.  Instead, we’re going to put him on a point system and for shits and giggles, he gets to start today’s review at -666.  On with the crucifixion!

Hiding Illuminati Favors

As was pointed out in our investigation, Vince made a spectacle of his gigantic freaking hands.  Even we have to admit he’s done a better job of covering it up this time around.  Either he’s trying to make up for his blunder, or all that stuff we’ve been putting in Camera Guy’s coffee has been paying off.  At the very least its fun watching him trying to snap Vince on the ass with a wet shammy.  Did you know that Vince shrieks like a little girl?  Of course you don’t, because he doesn’t.  He shrieks like a hyena with its nuts in a vice.

+50  And I’m being charitable considering that Camera Guy did the real work here.

“You’re gonna love my nuts!”

While we’re on the topic of nuts, it’s important that we bring this up.  Vince proudly declares that we’re going to love his nuts.  Not quite, Vince.  I’ve seen your nuts, and I’m not entirely sure I even like them.  They had an attitude with me and called me names behind my back.  You can imagine how overjoyed I was when I discovered that you were going to chop your own nuts, and how utterly disappointed I was when they weren’t the nuts I was hoping for.

+600 for grossing out America by making them think of your jingle-jangles
-250 for allowing me to think that you were bold enough to dismember yourself four hundred times an hour for my entertainment
+99 for saying “You’re gonna love my nuts!” with a straight face
-150 for not following up with “Slap Chop whatever pops up!”

Less Clones

I lambasted Vincy last time for being careless with the clones we gave him, so we stopped giving him any clones.  Now Vince has to do all this marketing all by himself, meanwhile Billy Mays just placed an order for another 4000.   We’re thoroughly impressed that Vince is managing to still make a riveting commercial despite the lack of extra help.

+60 We’d be more impressed if he hadn’t used his clone privileges to go all completely frickin’ spastic with Sham Wow.

Clever Editing

Someone on Vince’s team has made great efforts to mask the ineffectiveness of the product.  Notice how you never see the whole device while it’s chopping anything.  You see the top part of the device when a hand hits it, or the bottom part when something is being chopped – but you never get to see the whole story.  Well, not exactly.  We do see the whole picture, when we’re supposedly chopping Vince’s nuts, but he manages to weasel in using the Slap Chop cover to prevent us from seeing what he’s chopping – if anything.

+75 For making it less obvious that the product isn’t as fabulous as you’d like everyone to believe
-246 For not actually chopping anyone’s nuts
-692 Because I used the Slap Chop before it was called the Slap Chop and it ruined my aim so badly that at least 32 interns narrowly escaped from flying cups of scalding hot coffee.  Bad, Vince, bad.

Slap Chop & Graty at the Wedding

Slap Chop & Graty

Finding R2-D2

That’s right.  Vince found out where R2-D2 has been hiding.  Look to your right and say hello to what R2 would look like if he dressed up as a glorified waste receptacle for Halloween.  Long gone are the days where he would bail someone ass out of a bind, now he just grates cheese.   He’s also ditched  his tall, shiny, effeminate friend and has met an intriguing apparatus that strips down on command and spreads  like a butterfly.  And what guy doesn’t dream of meeting someone like that?

+62 Because we didn’t really care to find him.

Summary

Oh, cruel fate.  -666.  You’re back where you started Vince.  Try again.

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You Demented Freaks

December 5, 2008

I love you.  I really do.  I’m not screwing with you, either.

After WordPress upgraded to 2.7, something which I never cared to notice became hilariously apparent.  When it comes to the two most popular posts on this blog, between our Obama announcement and our expose on Vince Offer – Obama nabbed 61% of the pageviews while Vince is at 39% and climbing quickly.

It brings tears of happiness that renegade leprechaun and infomercial pitchman, Vince,  has a shot in hell of beating out the most famous shape-shifting lizard in the United States, Obama.  And you… YES YOU made this all happen.  The Care Bear rebel faction has specifically asked that you put in extra effort to make sure that Vince beats Obama’s ass in pageviews.  Pointless Vengeance will be theirs!

So be sure to let all your insignificant little friends know that Vince is the bomb and point them to the blog entry so we can appease the rebel faction.  If we don’t they will not enter another candidate into the race and we’ll miss out on a  more entertaining car crash in 2012.

President Elect Barack Obama

President Elect Barack Obama

ShamWow's Vince Offer

ShamWow's Vince Offer

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ShamWow – Shammy Suckage

November 17, 2008

The Illuminati have completed an investigation into ShamWow and Vince Offer.  “Investigation” might be a stretching it a little bit.  “Little bit” as in “beyond the limits of reality.”  We pronounced them guilty before Vince was a tickle in his daddy’s pants.  For those who are still sober enough to read, ShamWow and Vince Offer are guilty of the following crimes, bad behavior, and general stupidity:

Unauthorized Use of Rubbing Alcohol

While demonstrating the amazing “absorption” of Vince’s Binkie, Vince dumps the contents of a shammy onto the surface in front of him.  Now, after I locked twenty-three interns in a 8×8 room with nothing but a box of Wheat Thins and this segment of the commercial for a month and a half, sixteen interns decided that Sharon’s ass looks big in those jeans.  The other seven were unavailable for comment, so I logged their answer as a soft agreement.  Witness the following screen captures.  Notice the rate of dissipation at the top of the puddle (not to mention the rest of it) before the shammy even touches it (click to enlarge):

alcohol-01 alcohol-02

And before you can notice that the liquid is disappearing on its own, he mops it up with his magical shammies:

alcohol-03 alcohol-04

Now, using this video evidence, the Illuminati finds ShamWow and Vince Offer guilty of violating section 45626.666.7383 (Unauthorized use of Rubbing Alcohol for Boring Purposes) as well as the greater offense of unsuccessfully lying to the public.  We don’t have a code section for that.  It’s engraved on your soul with a Sharpie.

Exposing Illuminati Favors

hands

Several years ago, Vince approached my organization with a simple request.  He wanted us to increase his odds with the ladies.  So, my people gave him hideously large hands.  What did you expect?  The Wolverpus already drank all the mojo prototypes. Now, the ShamWow people at least attempted to cover up the problem but clearly missed this one obvious scene.  Vince knows better than to let the camera that close to his dirty little secret and therefore we find him guilty of embarrassing my organization.  If he really wanted to expose himself, he should have gotten drunk and flashed some school girls from a public fountain like a normal person. Noooo…he’s gone and done it by hocking product nearly every commercial break.  As a matter of fact, Vince exposed himself to me at least four times while writing this post.  I feel so dirty.

Carpet Saturation Rules Violations

If you’re going to saturate a carpet with liquid you must always remember the four sacred rules: 1) make it donkey urine 2) make sure it stays that way 3) don’t clean up any of it 4) don’t let anyone know you did it.  I know that Vince took the class, but after reviewing the security footage, it looks like he put his head in his giant freaking hands and slept through the whole thing.  We’re revoking his certification.  And we’re going to do it by having Billy Mays come to his house and show him how it’s done. And then he’s going to pretend to clean it up with OxyClean, sell Vince health insurance, and move in like a cockroach in slumlord central.  To anyone who comes into contact with Billy: never, ever, leave him alone with your vacuum cleaner.  He picked up some tips from Dyson that are illegal in most countries.  Your vacuum will never be the same again.  It may even require counseling.

Poor Editing

On top of the carpet saturation mess, those ShamWow people couldn’t even properly edit the carpet cleanup scam.  Check out the following images:

Before Picture Lifting Carpet

Before Lifting Carpet

After Putting the Carpet Back Down

After Putting the Carpet Back Down

One would think that with Vince’s mad three card Monty skills that he would have slammed that shammy down so fast over the edge of the carpet that you would never have noticed.  But, no, he hovers the shammy over the spill almost as if he’s taunting you.  Random idiots are seeing this inconsistency.  This is an embarrassment to quality Illuminati infomercials worldwide.  How do you expect us to con stupid people into buying completely useless shit if you sloppily expose our secrets?  Now everyone’s going to be suspect that the energy drinks, “Head-On”, and other atrocities take advantage of clever editing.  I cannot possible express the extent to which I am disappointed in the editor monkeys.  I mean, if you lock enough of them in a room, they’ll hammer out the script to a reality tv show but they can’t possibly manage to hide one little blood…I mean soda spill.

Clone Carelessness

When Vince entered the commercial racket, we gave him several clones by which to make it easeir for him to star in more commercials and appear personally – at the same time.  It’s Illuminati policy to facilitate the saturate the market with products by providing courtesy clones.  You should know that by now after that fiasco with the “Help, I’ve fallen but I can’t get up” lady.  There were like thirty-two of them and they all applied for Medicaid at the same time.  Gave their case worker a heart attack.

Evil Vince Clone in Action

Evil Vince Clone in Action

With our help, it is possible for Vince to actually be in two or more places at the same time.  Too bad he’s not being more careful.  You can actually make out one of his clones quite clearly in the background of a customer testimonial.  Notice how the clone is wearing a black t-shirt and sunglasses.  Then suddenly, Vince is back in the studio in a blue t-shirt and NO SUNGLASSES.  There is absolutely no possible way that he could been pulling his shtick in the studio wearing one outfit, changed into “Evil Vince” and zoomed outside and gotten halfway through his speech for the customer testimonial, changed his clothes back to “Studio Vince”, and back in the studio without even being out of breath….twenty-five times an hour!  The only way to explain this is Illuminati Trickery in the shape of Vince clones.  Now, due to the fact that Billy Mays hasn’t off’d nearly enough clones in a jealous rage (usually involves Oxytov cocktails) and that Vince himself is making it obvious that he’s using the clones, we’ve decided to sell off the remaining six hundred Vince Offer clones at an extremely discounted price.  He’s great around the home, garage, car, even on the boat.  He mops up spills in no time flat.  You can even cut him in half and put him in the washer.  Use him on the dog!  I mean, you’re going to spend at least $50 a month on hookers and maids anyway, so use Vince Clone v2.1 instead.  We’ll even throw in four mini-Vinces for free if you order right now…after all, we can’t do this all day.  You followin’ me camera-guy?

A Word of Warning

I could go on and on about the additional offenses witnessed, but I will throw my ambitions in the dumpster and let someone else deal with it so I can issue the following advice.

Vince, the Leprechaun High Council is extremely upset that you stole your brother’s pot of gold and wished to be a mortal man.  They are even more upset that you chose to put your faith behind a product made in Germany (notorious leprechaun oppressors) instead of your native product, Lucky Charms.  They no longer find you “Magically Delicious.”  Or, actually, they may once they catch you and apply the right seasoning.

ShamWow, I suggest you protect Vince as best you can.  Leprechauns are pretty jovial beings until you piss them off bad.  And Vince has done just that.  I assume that he hasn’t enlightened you to this fact for the same reason that he did not inform you of his past.  Leprechauns are also quite tricky and can fit into tight places, so you might just want to seal Vince in a 10×10 clock of cement and pray for the best.

Good luck.

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