Killer Hamsters “Escape”

March 15, 2010

I’m sure you’ve been wondering where I’ve been.  Maybe even waiting with bated breath hoping I would come back and enthrall and berate you some more.  Well you sick bastards, here I am. Anyway, I’ve been busy touring our many research operations throughout the world.  I’m happy to report that things are coming along nicely in most areas, but there was one location near the Canadian border which worries me a bit.

Many years ago, I authorized this particular facility to manufacture a new breed of assassin with the understanding that they would make me pleasantly surprised by the results.  In response, they spent billions of dollars coming up with what looked to be a…..hamster.

At first, I was exceptionally angry.  I mean, what the hell am I paying these people for?  I already have talking hamsters that are more than willing to kill people for me.  And they make me more?!  It was only after I impaled an unfortunate office worker with a plastic letter opener that they explained how special their hamsters were.

You see, they knew that I would not be satisfied with such a meager offering, so they made enhancements they knew I would like to ensure that their chances of survival would be higher.   I’m going to make this into a bullet list, since I know that you all have the attention span of a horny puppy on crack.  Try to keep up:

  • I like angry little furry things.  It’s true.  So, they made these hamsters extra mean.  From the lab videos they showed me, these little things turn green and rip the heads off baby chickens with their tails.  For fun.
  • I like people with ambition. And boy these things have it in spades.   You know how welfare moms will eat their own children if the death benefits will be even one dollar higher than that child’s portion of the welfare check?  Yeah, these guys will do it if the difference is only a cent more.  Maybe even a fraction of a cent.  Further testing will need to be done.
  • Battle cries are awesome.  You can’t deny it.  And as much as I like a silent assassin, I prefer it if victims know it’s coming.  The look in their eyes is more satisfying.
  • I’m always thinking of storage space.  I’m female, I can’t help it. So, naturally, I would want any assassin to be able to hide his tools on (or in) his person.  These folks managed to make the hamster pouches 30% more efficient.  Which, oddly enough, is just about enough room to fit a hamster-size sniper rifle, with accessories.

You may recall when I mentioned earlier about this project worrying me.  Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love the semi-final results.  Problem is, the clever little bastards escaped.  Or, self-released, if you will.  That’s right, they’re loose and they have no standing orders.  Now you see why I was worried.

But, the process of simplifying the situation and translating it into small words so that you may understand it has helped me come to the realization that I’m not actually worried.  The facility is located near the Canadian border and those furry sociopaths headed north.

They’re Canada’s problem now.   Do you think I should warn our satellite offices up there or let it be a surprise?

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Pocket Villagers Now Available

April 8, 2009

One important aspect of my job is determining the effect of our actions on the morale of the unsuspecting public.  Recently, we tried to use complex emotional and developmental algorithms, but that required the computing power of the human brain and it turns out that the human brain isn’t much more powerful than a thousand horny lemmings.  And if I wanted to train a thousand horny lemmings to sit in the corner of my office and bleep and bloop like an arcade game, I would have gotten married.

So, we decided that it would be best to kick it old school, or what have you.  That’s right, we managed to revitalize the “Angry Villager Feedback System.”

If you were lucky enough to remember the last time we instituted AVFS, you’ll fondly recall the astounding heights of terror it achieved before the program came crashing down around itself.  You see, the major problem with angry villagers is that one will cannibalize others to increase mental capacity and logical thinking skills.  This will enable that one to rise to a position of power and lead an (unsuccessful) uprising.  But we’ve made several improvements to the program.

While the previous uprisings were beaten back with minimal bloodshed of anyone except interns, they are particularly annoying.  Like that time I had to keep running some guy down with my car.  It wasn’t my fault, really.  If he had just resigned himself to death instead of constantly getting back up, I wouldn’t have had to back over him thirteen times.  Can you imagine how much that grated on my nerves?  Well, the uprisings are the same way.  So, when I thought about restarting the program, I knew I had to find a solution to this nonsense.  R&D offered up the use of their experimental shrink ray (they’re still trying to figure out why it will sometimes only shrinks the genitalia), which reduces the villagers to convenient pocket-size.  This cuts back on the chance of losing more of those useless interns.

And in a bit of serendipity, the new size makes them suitable for public sale.  That’s right!  For just $2,499.99, you can now own your very own set of pocket villagers.  It may seem like a high price at first, but once you realize the value, you’ll know it’s a steal.  Quite literally.  Illuminati Pocket Villagers were bred from authentic stock plucked from the annals of history.  Many are missing teeth, cannot read, and hump their sister’s leg without warning.  You just can’t mimick that kind of inbred behavior, and trust me when I say that we’ve tried.

But what can you use the Pocket Villagers for?  Management decisions, of course!  Thinking about cutting out health insurance for your employees?  Run it past the villagers to see how your employees will react!  Want to initiate a massive layoff?  Let the villagers in on your secret!  You’ll know you’ve made the right decision when they try to light your desk on fire!

Not in a management position at work?  You can employ the villagers to terrorize your co-workers.  Is your cube-partner annoying you by clicking his pen too much?  Use the villagers to secretly remove the clicker after working hours.  Your boss cut health insurance?  Use the villagers to light his desk on fire!  Remember to blame the janitor!

But what if you’re unemployed?  Never fear, we take food stamps, welfare checks, unemployment checks, fuel assistance, and SSI/SSDI.  And if you think that just because you don’t have a job that you don’t need the villagers, you’ve got to remember that you’re always wrong.  There are lots of things they can do for the gainfully unemployed!  Why, they can get you an ice cold beer from the fridge and it’s like watching Easter Island come to fruition, so you’ll be entertained while you wait.  Don’t like your neighbor’s dog?  Just tell your villagers that it’s a wicked beast sent from below to encourage rampant homosexuality.  They’ll take care of that problem lickety-split.  They’re also great for picking pockets on the subway…and now you have an alternative revenue stream.

So order your Illuminati Pocket Villagers today.  And if you act now, you’ll get a video of Vince Offer beating up a hooker.  I swear we had nothing to do with that, except for making him wear his PJs for the mugshot.  You know, if he had a ShamWow and a Slap Chop (with life-partner, Graty) with him that night, he wouldn’t have any need for a hooker.

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