Holiday Home Security

December 8, 2010

The economy is shaping up quite nicely.  Pretty much everyone in the middle-to-bottom range is still suffering and we’ve got economists telling you it’s getting better.  It’s not, duh.  We lie.  A lot. It’s one of our things.  Sure, not everyone believes us 100% of the time, but we convince enough people to make it worth it.  Which leads me to my point.

Someone out there thinks you’re doing better than them.  Granted, this is true most of the time but this year is different.  You have loads of gullible and desperate people who believe that things really are getting better for someone, and that someone is anyone but them.  While they sit at the milk carton that substitutes for their dining room table and try to read their foreclosure notice by the fading light of a cell phone with no service, their mind drifts to that big flat screen TV that took four guys to bring into your house.

If you haven’t gotten my point by now: Someone out there wants everything you own.  What are you going to do about it?  Install one of those electronic monitoring systems that lets some minimum wage employee determine whether or not the guy in your house with your X-Box under his arm is worth calling the cops over?  Yeah, let me know how that works out.  What you need is an Illuminati Security System.  Don’t worry, it’s very affordable.

First up, dig a moat. It has to be twenty to a hundred feet wide, fifty feet deep and encompass the perimeter of your property.  If you live in a suburban or rural area, it’s best if you extend beyond your property for this.  If people notice, that’s their tough luck for not doing it first.  Don’t be an idiot and dig the moat yourself  – hire illegal immigrants.  They’re great workers and they work for free – but the trick is to hire a group big enough to get all the work done in one day and then time immigration’s arrival for when they’re finished.  They’ll scatter like cockroaches before they can even ask for their money. The worst you’ll have to do is pick up all the tools they dropped during their departure.  But you can pay a neighborhood kid like five bucks to do that for you.

At this point, you’ll have a sad, empty moat.  That’s when you call our 976 number.  Tell Fred that you like to be spanked by day-old biscuits.  You’ll need to tell him how many biscuits and how many days old.  The quantity of biscuits is directly relational to the width of your moat and the days are relational to the circumference, so if you’ve got a twenty foot wide moat that’s three-hundred fifty feet all the way around, tell him you’d like 20, 350 day old biscuits.  It’s a code, numbnuts.  Gotta keep it all on the down-low or else you’ll just be the schmuck who started the moat trend in the neighborhood.  Don’t be that guy.

Your moat filling should arrive by the end of the week and will come in two packages.  Open the package labeled “Step 1” and say “Hi” to your first line of defense.  They may greet you in return.  Hamsters are friendly that way.  After you do that, empty the package into the moat.  Be sure to spread out the hamsters in an even layer inside the moat.  They will not even themselves out.  Once you are finished, the hamsters will automatically build a barrier within your moat, line the inner section, and eventually settle in the outer section.

Now fill up the empty section of the moat with water.  Your garden hose will do nicely, but I recommend that you just steal a fire truck and empty the neighborhood pools before they get home from work.  It’ll go faster.  Once that’s done, you should open the package labeled “Step 2.”  You will notice that the contents look an awful lot like pills.  Capsules to be exact.  These are not to be taken internally, but should you choose to do so I’d like to request that you upload the video to YouTube.  Sprinkle the entire contents of the bag into the watery section of your moat.  At this point, you can either set up a lawnchair and watch the capsules slowly expand over the next twenty-four hours or you can move on with your life since the hard part of setting up your moat is done.  I don’t recommend you leave the property though, since your newfound security system will make sure you don’t return.

Anyway, by the same time the next day, your Magic Grow Dragon Capsules will be fully expanded into actual Dragons.  You’ll want to introduce yourself to them.  They will naturally attune themselves to your voice, your appearance, and your scent.  That’s why the introduction is important.

Now your Illuminati Security System is fully set-up.  From here on out, anyone who isn’t you that dares approach your property will be burnt to a crisp and then disposed of by your army of hamsters.  Also, since your hamster army is quite large they can be used to harass your neighbors, run errands, and procure stuff you desire from nearby homes.  Your neighbors will also envy your moat and will pay anything to find out how you got yours (especially after the recent rash of break-ins).  At best, they’ll only manage a cheap imitation. A pack of pitpulls are nothing in comparison to a hamster army and a mess of dragons.

Happy Holidays!

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Yeah, it’s true…Obama works for us.

October 20, 2008

With the presidential election just weeks away, we at the Illuminati have decided that it would be joyously insidious to dispel some myths and release some well known Illuminati insider information about Barack Obama.  Now without further adieu…

Obama Was Not Born in Hawaii

After people have so fervently defended Obama’s birth certificate, I can assure you that he was not born in Hawaii.  Yeah, I totally forged that certificate.  On my coffee break.  You people are so gullible.  Truth of the matter is that Obama was born on Amalthea, which is the third moon of Jupiter.  This is very important to those who actually give a damn because Amalthea is the traditional birthing ground of the royal family of shape shifting lizards.  Now, Obama is not a member of the royal family.  Well, not officially.  You know how well those royals keep their nondescript reproductive organs to themselves.  Yes!  That’s right!  Obama is the bastard love-child of George Bush and the Queen of England!  Don’t deny it.  You know in your heart that it’s the truth.

Obama’s Aversion to the Pledge of Allegiance

First of all, the Pledge of Allegiance is not really about patriotism at all.  It’s a promise to give your immortal soul to an inanimate object.  Agents of the Illuminati cannot pledge their immortal soul to inanimate objects, Pamela Anderson, or corn dogs.  If we attempt to do so, we’ll dissolve in to a puddle of goo resembling Marlon Brando.  Therefore, any images or movies you see of Obama reciting the Pledge with hand over heart is a total fabrication – and easily duplicated using mirrors, lasers, and a tuna fish sandwich – with extra mayonnaise.  The mayonnaise is important for pliability.

Obama’s Infamous Limo Ride

Did Obama really coke up and engage in sexual relations with that limo driver on YouTube?  First of all…c’mon, a limo driver?  Coke?  This is a prized Illuminati agent and he has access to way better drugs and far better looking sexual partners.  Unlimited access.  Heck, he can still pick a coked up toothless limo driver if that’s where he wants to put his jollies.  But I can assure you that if he did pick such a partner, there is no way we’d let the guy live long enough to post his lame-ass story on YouTube, much less file a lawsuit.

Obama’s Going to Tax Water

This is just ridiculous.  Shape-shifting lizards wouldn’t tax water.  The shape-shifting process is extremely drying and Lubriderm simply does not work as advertised.  So, taxing water would not be a good idea for the shape-shifting lizard population of the world.  But, taxing air, bodily secretions, hookers, and M&Ms…all fair game.  And don’t think he won’t tax M&Ms either.  He hates them, what with their prancing around in their animated arms and legs, corruping todays youth with seductive lines like “Melts in your mouth, not in your hands.”  He simply must tax them before they figure out how to make porn and the echos of hard-coated candy shells clacking together are heard throughout the country.

There are of course many more rumors, none of which I will bother to address.  Mostly because I just don’t care enough…ah, there I go again – lying.  I’ve got to go swear in some interns.  With bottle rockets filled with acid.  This is going to be fun.

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